Monday, February 11, 2008

The Worst Candy Ever

I am not a big candy consumer, but I do know what constitutes a pleasant candy experience and what does not. This may seem to be a trivial topic but I feel it is one we can all relate to to some degree. Just sit back and relax as I review some of the most cherished and infamous confections of our time.

The Worst Candy

Lets start with the Chick-O-Sticks. I haven't seen this one around for 20 years, but it is kind of like a butterfinger without the chocolate, but way messier. I like the taste, but it is a crumb explosion waiting to happen. Next would be Red Hots. I would also put all hot candy in this category. Anything that burns your mouth and causes you to panic while you are eating it should not be considered candy. Black Licorice would be next in all of it's evil forms. I think Good and Plenty are black licorice coated in liquid paper. Black licorice is a favorite for people with completely screwed up taste buds. When I think of black licorice one work comes to mind: Bile. Jaw Breakers are the next ridiculous candy, especially the big ones you have to hold with both hands and lick like a cow. Anything that takes you days to eat can not be that good. Reece's Peanut Butter Cups are a favorite for many people, but these always burn my throat and give me heartburn. They are just too rich and oily. They are like a brownie mix in a candy wrapper. It also reminds me of slurping oysters when I see people slide them into their mouths off the paper cup. Raisinets, Goobers, or Snowcaps have to be some of the worst ever. They are all brought to you by the same company that only knows how to make gross candy. Laffy Taffy is nothing more than sugar coated in petroleum lubricant wrapped in lame jokes. I have never been a fan of Jelly Beans especially at Easter. I can't stand the texture of chewing course sugar as it dissolves in your mouth. Cotton Candy is a freak's treat. I associate this abomination with cob webs and old lady's hair (unless you are an old lady with pink or blue hair, then I only associate it with cobwebs). I try to avoid anything prepared by a Carnie. Hersheys special dark chocolate is always the last choice of the 4 different fun sized flavors. Just eat a teaspoon of baking cocoa instead because it tastes the same. Charleston Chew doesn't taste bad, but when you bite it and it stretches, the outer chocolate shell disintegrates into small pieces that falls into your lap while you are driving. By the time you get to your location the small chocolate pieces you are now sitting on have melted and are stuck to your pants. I will never fall for that prank candy again, but at least I'm not holding a grudge. My final least favorite treat is Turkish Delight. Luckily it is only popular in strange lands like Turkey, Canada, or Narnia.

To end on a positive note I would like to mention some good candy. If a candy could be a super hero these would be the Superfriends. Sweet's milk chocolate covered orange sticks, Toblerones, Kit Kats, Twix, Almond Joy, Symphony Bars, Gummi Bears, Twizzlers, Junior Mints, and Hersheys Kisses with almonds. The joy these bring the world counterbalances the evil from the previously mentioned Legion of Doom candies. I also accept any of these good choices in lieu of your membership fees for reading my blog.

10 comments:

Maui said...

"In some ways you and I are very different people"....

I just watched my wife consume a chick-o-stick last night, and I must admit that I do enjoy black licorice. Although I would have to agree with you on several bad candy items.

Der Grexxie said...

I used to love Good & Plenty until I read FAST FOOD NATION and learned that they use insect particles (also in Skittles) to make these candies and give them the shiny finish. Never mind if they are sterile and pharmaceutically pure insect particles, I found that to be a deal breaker. I will nibble on fennel or chew anise seed to get the licorice fix my diseased taste buds crave. I enjoyed your evaluation and wondered if Sees chocolates were on your preferred list as well. Warren Buffett munches on them since he bought the company years ago and made it even more profitable. They make a quality product. I wish Warren Buffet ran the Federal Reserve. I greatly admire his common sense, business acumen and morality, all too rare in today's financial climate! Anyhow, thanks for the sweet musings on sublime and despicable treats.

MEM said...

Remember the hard black stuff they hand out to Utah 4th graders at the end of their annual field trips to the Beehive or Lion House? NASTY!! Those poor pioneer children- (as if walking across the plains barefoot wasn't enough.)

Weston and Emily Ricks said...

What about that nasty peanut butter salt-water taffy that's wrapped in orange or black wrappers for Halloween? We would always gamble our candy after Halloween and those would always be the first in the pot.

Also the necco wafers that my mom used for potty training incentives....as if those are supposed to motivate you to do ANYTHING.

MikkSolo said...

I think those nasty peanut shaped orangish/tan marshmellows are bad! Also, in tribute to the upcoming season Easter PEEPS are horrible. These taste bad, leave a residue where left, and do people ever really like them?

What about POP rocks? Is it true that your mouth will explode if you put a whole packet in your mouth then drink Coke?

Rootbeer candy is yucky!

I will disagree with your black licorice assesment. It does have to be the good stuff though. Also, Laffy Taffy Rocks.

-S

Beckalita said...

I know I will be unpopular for this one, but a Tootsie Roll...what is that? Is it really supposed to be chocolate? Terrible excuse! I buy these for practice treats for my kids because I am never tempted by them. It's nothing like if I were to get a big bag of m&ms. I'd eat them all myself.

Bee and Rose said...

I actually lost a tooth as a kid eating a Charleston Chew! Bleh!

Rock candy..not a fan...gummi anything...not a fan...

I'm a straight up chocaholic!

Jeanne said...

I laughed till I cried at this post(even though you are so wrong about Sno-Caps -- if you eat them bite-about with popcorn, they're the best).

Anonymous said...

Your dont know anything about candy goobers and reese's are the best...u must have been raised and beaten as a child not to love these candys...y dont you man up and get to loving them.

Chaka said...

I think candy should be classified as a controversial subject you should not bring up in public, like politics, religion, and sex. There many of you in the Reese's camp I have offended. I'm sorry if we don't see eye to eye. I happen to be one of the few who disagree.