Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
3) If it looks like 6 buckets of paint exploded over a canvas, then beware. (Coughing while saying Pollock)
4) It consists of only 2 or three colored shapes or even worse, a blank canvas.
5) If people have to assure you that you made a great investment despite the fact you just paid a million dollars for a mockery.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I came across this picture while looking for cell phone photos online. I am usually against self-mutilation, but this guy makes a strong case for the win-win partnership of gauging and hands free phone use.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Over time there have been a plethora of spilled substances, and I won't go into detail about them in case you are eating something now, but they have all left their mark on the carpet. Just last week while walking up the stairs I found a plate of pancakes and syrup that a two year old had turned upside down on the carpet. The sad thing is, it didn't make any difference. It really can't get any worse. We've had the carpets cleaned many times but after a short time they return to their disgusting nature. You know it's bad when your dirty carpet not only mocks you, but the ripped seams in it also trip you when you walk by.
The dilemma I have is that we are not dirty people (despite the attached photographic evidence) and this disgusting carpet is starting to bring me down like a depressing country song or a bad hair day. Sometimes when I see it, I feel like Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes and I want to collapse on the ground screaming "It's a Madhouse!" My wife hates it even more than I do. It is so bad that it has kept us from entertaining friends or having people over. We are afraid that if someone sees it we will lose our country club membership or will no longer be invited to the Oscars each year.
Our neighbor was replacing her old carpet and I used some of her old carpet pieces and put them over some sections of our carpet and now I feel like I live in the Taj Mahal when I walk on those areas. I also realized how bad of a job I did and it wouldn't surprise me to find my handiwork ending up on There I fixed it.
So, if you have recently been complaining about the condition of your flooring, I just thought I'd give you a little perspective and let you know that it could be worse. Sorry to share such a nasty pictures, but at least this post wasn't titled "the world's hairiest back", or "the world's worst rash." You're welcome.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Aside from the potential social stigma, I also hate the sensation of blowing my eardrums out. I have to admit I'm just not a very good nose blower. I know that nose blowing has it's place. People who sniffle all day and make nasty mucus related noises can be more offensive that the noisiest nose blowers. I think it is ironic that I'm so sensitive to this subject since I not only enjoy, but endorse loud vigorous sneezing.
Some people are unabashed nose blowers and have no problem doing so in a social setting, even while they are addressing a large group of people. I think it is an age thing. Usually the older generation is guilty of this. Many of these people are also the ones who carry cloth handkerchiefs in their pocket. I appreciate the concept of being prepared, but in a day and age of everyone being hand sanitizer freaks, and coughing into their shoulder, I think it is time for the cloth handkerchief to go the way of the dinosaurs.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
I didn't have criminal record and had not appeared as a surprise guest star on Dateline.
I wasn't paralyzed and didn't have any serious physical challenges.
I was able to read and write.
I was not born during the dark ages.
I lived in a country where I had the freedom to do and say what I want.
I had a beautiful wife and family.
I then moved on to some less obvious things and the longer I worked on the list, the more grateful I became and the smaller my problems seemed. As I focused on all the good things in my life, (many which I had taken for granted), it put the other problems and the have nots in their proper place. I would suggest this exercise for anyone when ever they feel like life has taken a dump on them. It is easy to get discouraged, but when we look around and see how many others are really struggling with more serious challenges, then it helps keep things in perspective.
As you know from a prior post, I have had phone problems for several months now. Both of the hand held units from our new piece of junk phone recently died. Luckily, my son produced a phone for us that I forgot he had. It is a Sports Illustrated shoe phone from the early 80's and I'm not sure where he got it, but for the time being we are answering the phone in style and I'm even grateful for that. Now I feel like Maxwell Smart when I talk on our home phone.
Remember thanksgiving isn't just for Thanksgiving Day. Life doesn't suck nearly as much when you have gratitude. Have a happy Black Friday and try to avoid being trampled if you are one of those competitive shoppers. Happy Holidays!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Barbershop quartets-Their traditional outfits also remind me of this.
Cuban Dancers- Although I couldn't find any pictures online, I can still see in my mind a happy guy dancing around shaking maracas with his big colorful poofed up sleeves.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
The other day a friend gave me grief over this and wanted to know why I'd throw in random numbers for my blog address. I was thinking of making my explanation into an exciting suspense movie starring Tom Hanks and directed by Ron Howard called the 4612 Code, but I don't think there is enough substance behind it to bring it to the big screen. Maybe a movie trailer would work better.
4612 was the magic number prescription my basketball coach promoted back when I was in High School. He said if you practiced 4 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 12 months each year you could excel at anything. When we wanted to really accomplish something we'd say you need to 4-6-12. I have since learned that 4-6-12 is a bit Gung Ho and extreme and you can even become good at something by decreasing the numbers down to 1-3-12 or even lower.
This recipe worked for basketball as a teenger, but I'm afraid I don't have that kind of time for blogging. I still have a long ways to go until the mail man brings me bags of money each day from all the money my blog generates. I don't want to disclose just how much money I've made blogging, but it rhymes with the name of a famous Roman Emperor who fiddled while Rome burnt and it starts with the last letter of the alphabet.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
As you know, Blitzkrieg means lightning war and was the name given to the Nazi's relentless pounding attacks when they'd focus all their efforts on one area. I have adopted this concept to a cleaning process which I occasionally do. When I say it's time for a blitzkrieg, my kids immediately try to escape out a window or hide since they know they will be cleaning furiously as we go from room to room for a 10 minute concentrated cleaning effort. I always say 10 minutes, but it usually ends up being much longer than that.
Nostradamus aka "Mr. Know At All" is famous for predicting all kinds of historical events. I have named a pasta casserole after him. Why? Because he is so smart, I'm sure he envisioned that we would be eating it some day. Maybe some day I will include the recipe.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
When I saw Ben Hur as a kid I later went through a Charleton Heston phase. I wished I could be as dramatic and cool as him. It's easy to idolize fictitious role models like Steve Austin, Indiana Jones, and Michael Jordan.... I guess Jordan was technically human, but you know what I mean. I think it's great to have heroes, mentors, and role models, but it always kills me when someone I look up to screws up and ends up with a tarnished reputation or in jail. Thanks a lot OJ!
I'd like to do another one of my surveys. I'd really like to hear your comments on this topic. Let me know who you idolized when you were younger. Who has inspired you in the past or who do you still wish you could be like now? Did any of you accomplish your goal? It doesn't have to be a famous person either.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
You've probably seen this before, but you have to love the look of pride on this kid's face for being such a good helper. I'm pretty sure it was the mom that took this picture. Most men would have gone ballistic if they came upon this scenario. This picture has also helped me keep things in perspective when my kids spill their milk at the table.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
When the final Lord of the Rings movie came out, I went to see it alone. I have a healthy self esteem so being seen alone at the movies is not a problem for me. I decided that before I went, I would stock up on some treats. I stopped by the dollar store and bought a king size box of Junior Mints, which I snuck into the theater with the same stealth that a prisoner might use to sneak a shiv into prison.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I decided to do a little research on Scientology so I went to my favorite fountain of knowledge (Wikipedia) and brushed up. I have to admit that after reading a little more, I have even more concerns now and there is a lot more weird stuff going on their besides mother ships, but I am not here to bash other's beliefs. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would consider some of my beliefs to be crazy too.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I am usually a pretty healthy person. Over the past few years I have only missed a few days of work due to being sick. Last winter I was under a lot of stress and wasn't feeling so good, but I still went into work. By the end of the day I was dizzy with chills and my whole body hurt. I went home exhausted, took some medicine, and crawled into bed. I rocked back and forth while whimpering like a baby until the medicine finally kicked in and I fell asleep.
I woke up several hours later to the words that strike fear into my soul "Water is leaking into the basement". It was 10:00 pm and I was not in any condition to deal with that. I ran down stairs and saw that the basement window had turned into a fish tank from all of the melting snow and run off outside. We also had a drain pipe from the roof that wasn't draining properly which compounded the problem. I bailed the window out, but there was thick ice all over the back porch that was melting from the heavy rain which continued to drain into the window well.
I bailed out the window well and rang out wet cold towels in the freezing rain. To make a long story short (too late), I ended up getting up on the hour every hour from 10 pm until 7 am to repeat this process. After each ten minute clean up, I'd crawl back into bed wet and tired until the alarm went off again the next hour. It was one of those times when you can't believe what is happening and you start talking to yourself loudly like a crazy person.
That was obviously not the rest and relaxation the doctor ordered, but I eventually got over it. I still haven't fixed the broken run off pipe so if I ever tell this story again then it will be my fault and I won't expect any sympathy but rather rude comments and heckling.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
This blog has been therapeutic for me and has served as a outlet for my random thoughts and feelings. That reminds me of a child hood memory. When I was in grade school, a classmate hurt his knee and had surgery. For a few days after his surgery, he would actually squeeze the pus out of his knee after recess. As I write these words I am starting to doubt myself and wonder if this is a true memory, but I can still see him milking the yellow liquid out from his swollen knee. Anyway that is kind of like me and this blog. Some days I have something entertaining to offer but other days I'm afraid you show up and only get a bowl of warm pus. I hope to improve in the future.
As part of my two year anniversary, I am offering free unlimited access to my blogs archives. You can check out any of my prior posts 24 hours a day. It's the least I could do for such awesome followers.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Dear computer virus creators, I am nice guy, but I would love find you for creating Windows Antivirus Pro and torture you for several days ala Jack Bauer. I would prefer to torture you in front of your parents at your family reunion. When they realized what you have up to I'm sure they would want to join in and help me. You have disrupted my life in a big way. I would love to convert all the frustration you have caused me and return it to you in the form of physical aggression. I may be using my remaining vacation time to track you down and find you. Unlike Liam Neeson, I have no particular set of skills, but I would employ my limited resources and primitive abilities until I bring you to justice. I am not alone there are thousands of people like me who would love to get their hands on the computer virus makers of the world who need to get a life. You had better watch your back. Love, Chaka
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I have been frustrated for the past several weeks since I could not find anything about this topic when I googled eye bugs, eye worms, etc. I was starting to doubt myself like Julianne Moore in The Forgotten, but then I finally got lucky. Thank you Wikipedia! Not only did they address the issue and offer an explanation for eye floaters, but they also had an artist's depiction of this phenomena which I have included at the top of the page.
As I'm typing these words right now I can see some eye floaters on the computer screen. I'd be interested to know who else sees these little guys when they look up into the sky.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Kareem Abdul Jabaar - The Sky Hook
Richard Nixon -The Peace Sign
The Rock -The People's Elbow
Carol Burnett - The Ear Tug
Michael Jackson - The White Glove
Michael Jordan - The tongue hanging out
Matthew Mcconaughey -Taking off his shirt withinin the first 10 minutes of every movie he has ever been in.
Isaac from the Love Boat - The Point/Wink
Monday, September 14, 2009
This has been a common sight at my home for years. Most little children don't even realize when they are sticky. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I have used my straight arm technique to protect myself from sticky kids who are trying to give me a hug when I come home from work. I will clean them up and hug them after, but if I don't protect myself, the dry cleaning bills are just too high.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
I'm not dishonest, just lazy. Over the years I have seen money wasted in many different ways and have wished I had a way to capture some of it. I'd be happy if I could get just a small percentage of some of the money that has been wasted in the following ways:
I wish I could have some of the money from food that has spoiled in refrigerators and gets thrown out. I'm guessing since refrigeration has been used there have been billions of dollars of rotting food in the back of fridges.
I wish I could have some of the coins that have been lost down sewer drains or in couch cushions and are now long forgotten.
I wish I could trade in the remainder of the materials from old shoes and clothes and have them make my newer clothes last longer.
I wish I could use some of the wasted hot air that groceries stores blow out the entrances in the winter or the cold air that they waste in the summer.
I wish I could have some of the money from movie or play tickets that were purchased in advance, but the viewers never ended up going because an emergency came up.
I wish I could use some of the wasted water from running toilets and drippy faucets around the world to reduce my water bill and to water the yellow spots on my lawn.
I wish I could have the reps of the new people in the gym that only come out for two or three days and then quit working out since it didn't really benefit them anyway. The gym can keep their money on this one, I'll just take the wasted exercise efforts.
I wish I could rotate the clean, fresh looking carpet underneath heavy furniture that nobody can see into the busy traffic areas that are worn out.
I wish I could write about ridiculous topics and find a way to actually make a living at it. Now that's wishful thinking. Not only was I taught to eat my vegetables, but I was also told there is no such thing as a free lunch. That won't keep me from wishing. Happy Labor Day.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Speaking of women and eyebrows, I see that some people basically draw their eyebrows on. Is this the result of over-zealous plucking? I understand that some people have less to work with, but if you draw them on, at least keep them where they belong, somewhere near the eyes.