1) Spent 6 hours yesterday with my first ever yard sale. Made $22.50. I will only do it again if I can get half a dozen hoarders to RSVP first.
2) I'm becoming more fitness conscious. I quit using the remote door opener and now I unlock the car by turning the key to burn more calories.
3) It bugs me when celebrities change their real name for show business. I just found out Mr. T's real name is Mr. H.
4) Muffin top: Funny how the same word can either mean something that makes you hungry, or something that makes you lose your appetite.
5) What goes around, comes around. I just had a client walk off with my pen...The one I picked up from the bank earlier today.
6) The only thing that can compare to the excitement of earning an Olympic Gold medal is when I get my LinkedIn e-mail updates.
7) Ladies, looking for a way to come across 20 years younger? Just pronounce it "LIBARY"
8) Badminton is to the Summer Olympics what curling is to the Winter Olympics.
9) I know many people who are gluten intolerant, but my dietary challenge is that I am glutton tolerant.
10) I'm pretty sure corn nuts were created by dentists as a way to insure job security.
11) I sometimes get the names Dana White and Vanna White mixed up. My friends who are into MMA and the Wheel of Fortune think I'm an idiot.
12) Chinese food, I love you too much to not tell you that everyone is talking behind your back about how lame your hard cookie dessert is.
13) I'm glad to see so many gluten intolerant friends coming out of the closet. When I was growing up, society was not as accepting of them.
14) I accidentally referred to Bruce Banner "Hulk" as David Banner. A mistake like that could have cost me my life if it happened at Comic Con.
15) Ink refills for my printer cost more than filling up my van. Big oil has nothing on big ink!
16) Dear Cap'n Crunch, Thank you for the fleshy stalactites I now have hanging from the roof of my mouth.
17) I think the name "Lady Bird Johnson" sounds like she should have been Bob Dog's sidekick on Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.
18) Was feeling depressed & lethargic. Just realized it's probably because I bought anti-inspirant instead of antiperspirant by mistake.
19) The effectiveness of using a chainsaw is offset by the amount of time it takes to actually get it started.
If you have a Twitter account, feel free to stay in touch at @Chaka4612. Stay tuned for my next post when I give you a summary of all of my Facebook updates that you may have missed. Just kidding.