Friday, March 21, 2008

Jealous about money

I find myself getting jealous of people who make a lot more money than me. That makes me jealous of just about everyone, but I am especially jealous of those who are much younger than me. Don't they understand the seniority system? Let me start my bitter grapes gripe with the young movie stars and entertainers like Dakota Fanning, Daniel Radcliffe, The Olsen twins, and Hanna Montana. These people have made a lot of money as children! I wish I would have thought of being a childhood star years ago. I could have had the stage name Hootah Utah and been a millionaire before I got my drivers license.

I once heard that the actors on "Friends" each made $1,000,000 per episode. I'm not sure if that is true, but just hearing this messed me up for a couple days. I didn't ever watch the show but I don't think I could concentrate enough to watch an episode now because I would always be calculating how much a person made by the minute and by the joke. " Hey Chandler just made $17,400 by making that silly face"

I also have a hard time with championship boxing matches where someone can lose and still take home $2,000,000. I understand that they have paid a price to get there and are soon to be members of the distinguished brain damage club, but even so I would gladly face the meanest of men in the ring for that kind of consolation money. I also struggle with other professional athlete salaries too. When you divide their annual income by how many rebounds or points they make per game in can be very motivating. Even I could box Shaq out for that kind of money. Ok, so I couldn't but I can at least pretend I could.

The next category is the "You've gotta be kidding me" money makers. These are people who think of an idea and say "wouldn't it be cool if we could make money by (insert ridiculous idea) and then somehow get people to pay for it". The best example of this are drug dealers actually getting people to pay for drugs. How do they do it? What does their commercial sound like? "Try our new meth makeover. It will turn you into a scabby skeleton and it's one of the hottest diets these days".

Another crazy concept was the classic pet rock. Today's version of this is the star registry. I can't believe people pay to have a star named after them. Unless God is making this offer don't count on the name sticking. After considering what people have gotten away with I have been thinking about starting a sand registry. There are other crazy things like buying viles of Elvis sweat or garbage that belonged to celebrities on e-bay.

Another one of my favorites is when farmers are paid not to grow crops. I want to know how I can sign up for that program becuause I have not been growing crops all my life and am dang good at it. I have recently been reminded of the utimate example of crazy money makers is getting people to pay for their carbon footprint. I thought the whole paying for indulgences thing got exposed a long time ago.

I know I sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not saying we should storm the castle with pitchforks and torches to take away their money and re-distribute it to me. At least not yet. I am actually happy for other people's success. These examples actually inspire me more than they drive me crazy. I acknowledge that it has just been my lack of creativity and ingenuity that has made me bitter and covetous. I realize that this is the land of opportunity so it is time for me to get my act together. I recently did so and I have some great news. In April I will unveil the greatest product ever on my blog. I have been working on this for years and the timing is perfect to release this product to the public. Stay tuned for my next my next entry on April 1st. You'll want to mark this on your calendar and be one of the first to take advantage of this revolutionary concept that is sure to please.

3 comments:

Beckalita said...

I'd have to put paying for your carbon footprint in the "you've got to be kidding me" category. Also, how about ebay? What a stupid idea!

intern said...

Ahem...how about an ebay for carbon footprint offsets?

Emily said...

You gotta check out aghostinabottle.com