Modern Art- The Warning Signs

I enjoy art, but will be the first to admit that I am no expert. I understand that a big part of art appreciation is one's interpretation and personal preferences. I'm not here to lay down the rules and tell people what they should and should not like, but I have to put my foot down when it comes to some forms of modern art. I frequently feel insulted or ripped off when I see some "modern" art. I prefer classic realistic artwork where you can actually tell what the subject matter is supposed to be. Maybe I'm just lazy. I thought I'd give you some tips on how to identify Modern Art. Here are some warning signs to watch for:

1) If it looks like a monkey or a a sloppy 4 year old kid painted it, it's probably modern art.

2) If the eyes and other facial features are not where they should be-watch out. Yes I'm talking to you Mr. Picasso.
3) If it looks like 6 buckets of paint exploded over a canvas, then beware. (Coughing while saying Pollock)
4) It consists of only 2 or three colored shapes or even worse, a blank canvas.
5) If people have to assure you that you made a great investment despite the fact you just paid a million dollars for a mockery.

6) If you feel like you just saw an episode of Sprockets after viewing it, then it's probably modern art.

Shouldn't some sort of consumer protection agency press charges against certain artists for letting their artsy nothing paintings sell for so much? (Yes I am probably just jealous because I didn't think of that scam first)

Some will accuse me of being shallow and not intelligent enough to fully appreciate the deep meaning of a blank canvas with one blue circle in the corner entitled "Juxtaposition of pathos". I'll admit I may be simple minded, but I'm still not falling for it. I actually do enjoy many modern pieces and contemporary artists, it's just the ones that make me say "even I could do that" that I get angry about it. I'm okay with Kandinsky since he has so much color and I love Salvador Dali. How can you not like melting watches and psychedelic stuff. I still don't get what the big deal is about Warhol. Maybe some day when I finally get cultured I will be able to appreciate the deep meaning of a can of Campbell's soup.