As Halloween nears, I am frequently reminded how much my wife hates this holiday. I find that ironic coming from a girl who had the coolest Princess Leia costume for Halloween (complete with sweet roll hair and blaster) when she was in first grade. She loves Autumn and harvest time but can't stand Halloween. She refers to it as Satan's birthday and doesn't care for celebrating the themes of darkness, death, and fear.
I'm not as much of a party pooper as my good wife, but I can see where she's coming from. At the risk of sounding like the grumpy old man and stepping on the toes of those who really love the holiday, I have decided to share some insights about Halloween.
First of all, there was a time when Halloween used to be like the Norman Rockwell painting above. Over the years, the holiday has evolved into an excuse for girls to dress like skanks. Unfortunately many of those who decide to dress so provocatively don't look like the models below. I've also noticed that it's kind of a one-sided thing. You don't see guys looking for an excuse to dress like Chippendale's dancers for Halloween.
Here are some things I like and don't like about Halloween.
-Seeing people in public or at work who dress up in creative costumes since I never do.
-How excited my kids get to dress up no matter how lame their costume may be.
-Scary, suspenseful movies like Psycho, Lady in White, The Sixth Sense, and The Ring.
-Exacting my trick-or-treat tax from my little kids after I take them around the block.
-Watching my wife get worked up over innocent things like evil pastries.
-Kids who trick or treat after they are teenagers. Once you start shaving, it's time to move on to costume parties or spook alleys with your friends but leave the begging for candy routine to the little kids.
-Kids who start ringing my doorbell at 2:00 PM to trick or treat a good three hours before it even starts to get dark!
-Bobbing for apples. Are you serious? What genius came up with this unsanitary game? Probably some dude who licks his fingers after he uses the bathroom.
-Pointless slasher movies where some crazed person goes around killing stupid teenagers in the woods.
-Lonely old people who make you come in and visit and do actual tricks before they will give you a treat.
-People who give out popcorn balls to trick-or-treaters. This is even worse than razor blades.
I hope I don't sound too judgemental. I have many friends who have a blast every Halloween and I'm kind of jealous of them. Anyway, if you are are a goth enthusiast, a 16-year-old boy who still likes to trick or treat, a girl that wants to dress up like a prostitute, or a lonely old person, I hope you enjoy doing your thing this year and wish you a Happy Halloween.