Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Problem With Musicals

There have been many musicals over the years. Grease, Les Miserables, The King and I, Hairspray, Oklahoma, Mama Mia, Annie, The Sound of Music, etc. I know many people enjoy them but the main problem I have is that they are so fake. I know that may sound hypocritical coming from a guy who loves science fiction and action movies, but let me explain.

In a musical you might see a person eating at a diner having a conversation and then a magic word is mentioned which causes all the people around him who have never met before to break out in song and dance. The choreography is synchronized, everyone is singing their parts and things seem to be running on full cylinders. That's great for the musical but it doesn't work that way in real life.

I used to have a job as a loan officer. One day I was working with a guy who needed a new auto loan. I ran the paperwork but he just didn't qualify. I always hated turning people down so I thought things would go better if I broke it to him as a musical. I excused myself and quickly worked on some lyrics and some simple dance steps. It took me a while to find words that rhyme with debt ratio but when I was finally done I came back in the office and started to sing a song called "Excessive Obligations". It was a lot harder doing it a capella than I had imagined. The applicant did not get up and dance with me or even know any lines to the song proving my theory that musicals are fake.

I knew my performance was a mistake when he reached into his backpack and pulled out a gun. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was happening in slow motion and it felt like it a dream. He pointed it at me and told me to take him to the vault. He said he didn't want to use the gun but he was not afraid to. I could feel my heart pounding as I followed his instructions. He escorted me across the lobby towards the vault. It was at that moment that I remembered some moves from Newsies and West Side Story. I instinctively did a round house kick to his head and knocked him out until the police arrived. I don't usually write about stuff like this but since it's April Fools I guess that makes it okay.

I admit that story was really stupid, but at least the part about being a loan officer was true. I still maintain my position that musicals are fake.

10 comments:

Kelly said...

Chaka,
That had me laughing so hard this morning. I almost woke up the sleeping kids. Now that would have been a very crewel April Fool's joke.

Jeanne said...

My first husband felt the same way about musicals, and our female judge considered that sufficient grounds for divorce.

(April Fools, but only the part about the judge.)

Mary said...

This was a great way to start the morning. Thanks for the laugh.

Kristina P. said...

This had me chuckling all the way through! I can just imagine you singing about the loan.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've always wanted to live in a musical. I think we could all benefit from random song and well-choreographed interludes.

Bee and Rose said...

You almost had me there, Chaka! My husband actually used to be a loan officer too! He would sing ridiculous songs to people! He's a strange bird, and I only wish I could say it was April Fools! lol!

I told my homeschooled children I was putting them in public school tomorrow and completely freaked them out! Now they're gunning for me!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

ok, you ALMOST had me there!! Wish you had tried the musical though! That picture brought back fond memories!!
Don't you know I come from a nation which changes costumes and breaks into a jig every hour of the movie?!

Rachel said...

My life is a musical. I'm always surprised when people don't break into song and dance with me.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I completely concur. Thank God you watched musicals...otherwise how would you know about a round house kick? ;0

Beckalita said...

My favorite musical is 7 Brides for 7 Brothers because it is Soooo true!