Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Facial Hair 101

Facial hair is a gift. Some guys look good with it and others don't. I'm one of those who don't and that's why I only dabble with beard growing once a year around Christmas time. The problem with being clean shaven all the time is that when you do start to grow some scruff everyone makes a big deal out of it. To avoid the attention and questions I just tell people I'm growing it so I can audition for the role of Tevye in Fiddler on The Roof.

I have categorized and given a brief summary and examples of the 11 most common facial hair styles. For your viewing pleasure I have even included some visual aids which was no small task considering how difficult it is to import more than one picture into blogger.

1) The Original Moustache-This look was more popular in the 70's and 80's and was glorified by Tom Selleck. Today it is mostly sported by law enforcement officials.
2) The Goatee/Van Dyke-Is more popular today. This look was originally made popular by Satan then by Rembrandt paintings. Today it is a favorite of Stone Cold Austin and Jim Rome.
3) The Handle Bar Moustache-This is an ugly style but I won't say that to Hulk Hogan's face. If you let it grow really long and thin it out you have it's cousin which is...
4) The Fu Man Chu-The kung fu master look is especially beneficial if you are trying to get people to snatch pebbles from your hand.
5) The Stubble Beard-Don Johnson of Miami Vice and George Michael made the 5 o clock shadow beard popular.
6) The Full Beard-James Brolin has the best full beard I've ever seen. It is a full look yet it's trimmed and clean looking.
7) Mutton Chops-Also known as the reverse goatee. This is a nasty look that is achieved by only shaving the immediate chin area. Wolverine fits the description.
8) The Chinstrap-This one gives me the chills. Captain Ahab and Abraham Lincoln sported this look as does Mose from The Office. It's basically one long side burn or a uni-burn.
9) The Long Beard- Also known as the ZZ Top, the Civil War General, the Castaway, or homeless look.
10) The Soul Patch-This could also be called the hairy lower lip or "oops I missed a spot for an entire month." Thank you Howie Mandel.
11) The Waxed Moustache-Salvador Dali and Rollie Fingers take this look to the limit. It should only be appropriate if you are a member of a barbershop quartet.

After reviewing all these fashion statements I just might consider having a hairy face more often than once a year.


Kelly said...

what an informative walk down facial hair lane. Thanks for all your research into this area that I had no idea about.

The Mauermans said...

Just watched an episode of "choppers" tonight that guy had a sweet handlebar mustache. There is also a guy at the gym that has a seriously long goatee with no mustache at all. He reminds me of one of the Hart brothers from the old WWF- you remember them? They always reminded me of ZZ Top on steroids with tight shorts.

Tom said...

I was thinking of the guy from "Choppers" too for the handle bar moustache but I didn't know his name. Thanks for the memories of Jim "The Anvil Neidhart". Those were the days you could be proud to be a WWF fan.

Beckalita said...

I beg to differ on your opinion of your facial hair. I've seen bad facial hair, and yours doesn't qualify. Don't get me wrong. I like that you're clean shaven, but when you do your yearly dabbling, I'm always impressed that you can grow such a hot, manly beard. I like it. Merry Christmas!!