The Least Motivating Songs

Over the years my wife has played the violin in recording sessions for movie soundtracks. One day she pointed out to me how much the music really affects the feeling of a movie. If you watch any horror movie with the sound turned down and instead listened to Henry Mancini's Baby Elephant Walk song or the theme to the Simpsons it would no longer be scary.

I wondered if this same idea could be utilized to deflate exciting sports moments one might find in the WWF or whatever they call it these days. If you have ever seen All Star Wrestling then you know that when the main event wrestlers are introduced they play loud rock music and shoot off fireworks. Usually it is an exciting song that gets the crowd pumped up. Hulk Hogan used Eye of the Tiger as his theme song forever.

I would like to be in charge of the music that is played when wrestlers come out to the ring for their introduction. I wonder if they could still go crazy and maintain an intimidating image if the following songs were playing as they approached the ring. I have ranked my top 10 narcoleptic gems in order of their potency or rather lack thereof.

10. Making Love out of Nothing at All-Air Supply
9. Lady-Kenny Rogers
8. If You Don't Know Me By Know-Simply Red
7. Cherish-Kool and the Gang
6. True-Spandau Ballet
5. We've Only Just Begun-The Carpenters
4. Three Times a Lady-The Commodores
3. Sailing-Christopher Cross
2. Suddenly-Billy Ocean
1. The Theme from Taxi-Bob James

To appreciate the care and effort that went into picking these easy listening classics you have to really visualize the Ultimate Warrior standing on the second rope in the corner flexing and facing the crowd and trying to get pumped up while one of these songs is playing. I think even the most angry wrestler/actor would be deflated after being introduced to any of these songs. Well there you have it. This entry was short and probably too abstract for most readers to appreciate but it was a story that needed to be told.

Video Games Frustrations

I am not a big gamer, but I used to enjoy blowing money on video games when I was in Jr. High. My first introduction to video games happened when I was a little kid visiting my cousins and they had just purchased a Pong game. I was amazed at how cool it was. There were tons of options with the pong game such as paddle size. Several years later my own family was lucky enough to get an Atari 2600. The technology was light years ahead of pong. I got good very good at Space Invaders, Missile Command, Tank, Breakout, and Centipede. It has been a long time since I last played video games (a quarter century to be exact) so I was in for a rude awakening when I realized what changes had occurred in the industry.

My first experience happened while playing mortal kombat against a ten year old. I could not make sense of the complicated controller because there were way too many buttons and options, so all I could do was jump up and down and run backwards. Needless to say this does not describe any martial art so I got my butt kicked. I remember the feeling of being defenseless and powerless in the presence of a little kid who I knew I could probably take in real life. It all comes back to the joystick. Give me one black stick and one orange button. Let's keep it simple. I could probably learn to play the violin faster than I could learn how to work a modern day game controller.

My second unpleasant experience occurred when I was describing the the glory days of Atari to my kids. I had told them stories about how cool the games were, but when they actually saw what the graphics looked like they mocked me. They asked "is that tower of Legos supposed to be a person?" It went beyond mocking to uncontrolled hysterical laughing and then they kept asking "Are you serious?" It hurt to hear their critical words, but deep down I knew they were right.

My third bad experience came from trying to play war strategy games like War Craft and Star Craft. These games are way too complicated. You have to start a civilization from scratch. You can't do anything until you grow crops, mine for ore to make weapons, pay taxes, get zoning permits, hold elections for city council, etc. Space Invaders never did that to me. I would just watch for the aliens and fire. The other thing that bugged me was cheats. It seems that all the games these days have some stupid code that can make you invincible and it spoils the fun.

My fourth bad experience is a more recent one. I enjoy looking up youtube highlights from the NBA. I recommend their daily top 10 plays. Sometimes I will click on a box that says something like "Vince Carter monster dunk". I am looking forward to seeing the action then I realize it is a stupid video game! Who puts video game highlights on youtube? What really makes me mad is the graphics are so good today that you can't tell by looking at the small box if it is real footage or a video game or not until you start watching it.

Looking back I have to admit that my memories of how great things were may have been biased and have probably improved in my memory over time. After reviewing the evidence I have to say the new generation of video games are far superior. I will be the first to admit that technology is much better today than it was in the 80's, but I will never say that about the music. I will go head to head against anyone when it comes to defending 80's music, but there is no need to do so now since I'm sure that will be a future topic.

Number Combinations are Here!

Numbers have been with us for a long time and have made the world a better place. They play a vital role in our lives and benefit our entire civilization. Now it is time for us to give back while participating in one of the most exciting crazes of our time. After years of research and development I am proud to announce that customized number combinations are finally here!

Now you can express yourself by getting your very own 10 digit number combination from me for only $9.95. With this offer you can mix and match any combination of numbers from 0-9, or you can just let me choose the numbers for you. Do you like prime numbers? Have a favorite lock combination? Need help remembering your new phone number? You can list wedding dates, birthdays, IQ's, ACT scores, etc. The possibilities are limitless. You can choose your combination with bold text, italics, or a larger font, commas, or hyphens for no extra charge.

This truly is your very own custom number and it will be printed out on high quality parchment that will be worthy of framing. Be one of the first 100 people to order and I'll mail your number combination out with free shipping. Remember these number combinations are unique and no two same numbers will ever be issued by me. They will be recorded in my official number registry and you will receive a certificate of authenticity with each number combination you order. Order now and I will include a clear plastic carrying sheath to protect your investment. You'll be able to carry it with you all the time in a pocket or purse without damaging it.

These numbers also make great gifts. You can dedicate a number to someone you love and have it shipped directly to them. Just leave your order in the comments section along with your 10 digits and mailing address and I'll send you your numbers within a week. You don't even have to pay until you get your number combination and have tried it out. I am also offering a 90 day guarantee. If you are not delighted with your number combination just return it to me within 90 days for a full refund. Now let's start turning numbers into memories. Act now. Collect them all.

Addendum 09/25/08

Due to the current state of the economy and the fact that I underestimated the value of my number combinations in the past, I am increasing their cost to $49.95 per combination.

Jealous about money

I find myself getting jealous of people who make a lot more money than me. That makes me jealous of just about everyone, but I am especially jealous of those who are much younger than me. Don't they understand the seniority system? Let me start my bitter grapes gripe with the young movie stars and entertainers like Dakota Fanning, Daniel Radcliffe, The Olsen twins, and Hanna Montana. These people have made a lot of money as children! I wish I would have thought of being a childhood star years ago. I could have had the stage name Hootah Utah and been a millionaire before I got my drivers license.

I once heard that the actors on "Friends" each made $1,000,000 per episode. I'm not sure if that is true, but just hearing this messed me up for a couple days. I didn't ever watch the show but I don't think I could concentrate enough to watch an episode now because I would always be calculating how much a person made by the minute and by the joke. " Hey Chandler just made $17,400 by making that silly face"

I also have a hard time with championship boxing matches where someone can lose and still take home $2,000,000. I understand that they have paid a price to get there and are soon to be members of the distinguished brain damage club, but even so I would gladly face the meanest of men in the ring for that kind of consolation money. I also struggle with other professional athlete salaries too. When you divide their annual income by how many rebounds or points they make per game in can be very motivating. Even I could box Shaq out for that kind of money. Ok, so I couldn't but I can at least pretend I could.

The next category is the "You've gotta be kidding me" money makers. These are people who think of an idea and say "wouldn't it be cool if we could make money by (insert ridiculous idea) and then somehow get people to pay for it". The best example of this are drug dealers actually getting people to pay for drugs. How do they do it? What does their commercial sound like? "Try our new meth makeover. It will turn you into a scabby skeleton and it's one of the hottest diets these days".

Another crazy concept was the classic pet rock. Today's version of this is the star registry. I can't believe people pay to have a star named after them. Unless God is making this offer don't count on the name sticking. After considering what people have gotten away with I have been thinking about starting a sand registry. There are other crazy things like buying viles of Elvis sweat or garbage that belonged to celebrities on e-bay.

Another one of my favorites is when farmers are paid not to grow crops. I want to know how I can sign up for that program becuause I have not been growing crops all my life and am dang good at it. I have recently been reminded of the utimate example of crazy money makers is getting people to pay for their carbon footprint. I thought the whole paying for indulgences thing got exposed a long time ago.

I know I sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not saying we should storm the castle with pitchforks and torches to take away their money and re-distribute it to me. At least not yet. I am actually happy for other people's success. These examples actually inspire me more than they drive me crazy. I acknowledge that it has just been my lack of creativity and ingenuity that has made me bitter and covetous. I realize that this is the land of opportunity so it is time for me to get my act together. I recently did so and I have some great news. In April I will unveil the greatest product ever on my blog. I have been working on this for years and the timing is perfect to release this product to the public. Stay tuned for my next my next entry on April 1st. You'll want to mark this on your calendar and be one of the first to take advantage of this revolutionary concept that is sure to please.

Understanding The Enneagram

I have been interested in personality types since I learned about them as a young child prodigy. I first remember learning about the basic type A and B personalities. I liked the ancient Greek method of identifying personalities by the body humors, Melancholy, Choleric, Sanguine, and Phlegmatic. Science has since proven your personality is not determined by the balance of body fluids, but rather by the weight of your bones. Then there are the animal and color versions which are a slight twist of this same concept. I also enjoy the DISC model, but I'd like to heap praises on the greatest system of them all, the enneagram.

The enneagram concept is over 2,000 years old and comes from the word enneas which is Greek for nine. According to this system there are 9 different personality types. It is much more complex than the others and there is a lot more substance to it. The enneagram does not make vague generalities like horoscopes, and the Chinese calendar which lumps everyone born in a particular month or year into the same group. It addresses the weaknesses, strengths, compulsions, and avoidance's of each personality. It shows if one functions by relying on their brain, gut, or heart. Each personality also has wings and there are more combinations so it is much more accurate than lumping the entire population into 4 categories. Trust me, from a person who loves to categorize, number, rank, and make sense of stuff, this is the most complete system on personalities. Even though I like it, I'll be the first to admit it's not perfect.

There are many books about the enneagram. Once while looking in a bookstore I noticed they were listed in the new age/occult section. Maybe an employee stocking the books thought the diagram on the cover was a pentagram or something. The only book I really endorse is the one written with a Christian perspective called The enneegram, A journey of self discovery by Beesing, Nogosek, and O'Leary.

The biggest benefit of learning this system is that it gives you an understanding of why people act the way they do and helps you be more tolerant and understanding of those who might usually drive you crazy. Once you have a knowledge of others it helps you with "seeking first to understand". I have listed a brief summary of each personality type and have listed famous people as examples who fit in these categories. You will notice that each group can have good and bad examples that have the same personality. No personality is better than the others. they all have strengths and weeknesses. I encourage you to read the book for more details.

1-The Perfectionist-They are reformers and critics. Every issue is black and white with no gray area. They are critical of self and others. (Ralph Nadar, Jerry Falwell, George Washington, Aristotle, Gandhi, Martin Luther, Charles Dickens, Al Gore, Charleton Heston, Martha Stewart)
2-The Helper-They give and serve. They want to be needed and can sometimes be clingy as strings can be attached to their service. (Mr. Rogers, Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Richard Simmons, Florence Nightengale, Jerry Lewis, Bill Cosby)
3-The Achiever-They are motivators and performers. They are image oriented and enjoy recognition and admiration. Most are quite successful. (Arnold Schwarzennegar, Katie Couric, Tom Cruise, Oprah, Walt Disney, Tony Robbins, Donald Trump, Vince Lombardi)
4-The Romantic-Unique and special, don't like to be categorized. Individualists, Often very dramatic. Many thespian and artists fit in this category. (Michael Jackson, Dennis Rodman, Van Gogh, Prince, Orson Welles, Igmar Bergman, Marlon Brando, James Dean, Johnny Depp)
5-The Observer-They are thinkers and keep to themselves and like to learn and study. Detail oriented and investigators. Don't mind isolation. (Stephen Hawking, Sigmund Freud, John Lennon, Tim Burton, The Buddha, Thomas Edison, Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Bill Gates)
6-The Trooper-They are loyalalists and very into rules and causes. Some of them become phobic and worry alot. They are looking for stability. (Adolph Hitler, Woody Allen, Albert Brooks, Mel Gibson, Michael Moore, Bob Newhart, Pat Robertson)
7-The Enthusiast-Also known as the Epicure. They are fun extraverts and the life of the party. Many times they jump from one thing to another. (Conan O'Brian, John Kennedy, Howard Stern, Mozart, Jim Carrey, Groucho Marx, Carol Burnett, David Lee Roth, Robin Williams)
8-The Challenger-Concerned with justice. Often come across as bossy or pushy. They are protectors, leaders, and intimidators and want to be in control. (Joseph Stalin, Muhammad Ali, Rosie O'Donnell, John Wayne, Martin Luther King Jr., Dr. Phil, Sean Penn, Russell Crowe, John McEnroe, Charles Barkley, and Bruce Lee)
9-The Mediator-They are peacemakers and preservationists. They are kicked back and very easy to get along with and non confrontational. They don't want to rock the boat. (Albert Einstein, Dave Barry, Gerald Ford, Ringo Starr, George Lucas, Abraham Lincoln, Grace Kelly, Sandra Bullock)

The Worst Candy Ever

I am not a big candy consumer, but I do know what constitutes a pleasant candy experience and what does not. This may seem to be a trivial topic but I feel it is one we can all relate to to some degree. Just sit back and relax as I review some of the most cherished and infamous confections of our time.

The Worst Candy

Lets start with the Chick-O-Sticks. I haven't seen this one around for 20 years, but it is kind of like a butterfinger without the chocolate, but way messier. I like the taste, but it is a crumb explosion waiting to happen. Next would be Red Hots. I would also put all hot candy in this category. Anything that burns your mouth and causes you to panic while you are eating it should not be considered candy. Black Licorice would be next in all of it's evil forms. I think Good and Plenty are black licorice coated in liquid paper. Black licorice is a favorite for people with completely screwed up taste buds. When I think of black licorice one work comes to mind: Bile. Jaw Breakers are the next ridiculous candy, especially the big ones you have to hold with both hands and lick like a cow. Anything that takes you days to eat can not be that good. Reece's Peanut Butter Cups are a favorite for many people, but these always burn my throat and give me heartburn. They are just too rich and oily. They are like a brownie mix in a candy wrapper. It also reminds me of slurping oysters when I see people slide them into their mouths off the paper cup. Raisinets, Goobers, or Snowcaps have to be some of the worst ever. They are all brought to you by the same company that only knows how to make gross candy. Laffy Taffy is nothing more than sugar coated in petroleum lubricant wrapped in lame jokes. I have never been a fan of Jelly Beans especially at Easter. I can't stand the texture of chewing course sugar as it dissolves in your mouth. Cotton Candy is a freak's treat. I associate this abomination with cob webs and old lady's hair (unless you are an old lady with pink or blue hair, then I only associate it with cobwebs). I try to avoid anything prepared by a Carnie. Hersheys special dark chocolate is always the last choice of the 4 different fun sized flavors. Just eat a teaspoon of baking cocoa instead because it tastes the same. Charleston Chew doesn't taste bad, but when you bite it and it stretches, the outer chocolate shell disintegrates into small pieces that falls into your lap while you are driving. By the time you get to your location the small chocolate pieces you are now sitting on have melted and are stuck to your pants. I will never fall for that prank candy again, but at least I'm not holding a grudge. My final least favorite treat is Turkish Delight. Luckily it is only popular in strange lands like Turkey, Canada, or Narnia.

To end on a positive note I would like to mention some good candy. If a candy could be a super hero these would be the Superfriends. Sweet's milk chocolate covered orange sticks, Toblerones, Kit Kats, Twix, Almond Joy, Symphony Bars, Gummi Bears, Twizzlers, Junior Mints, and Hersheys Kisses with almonds. The joy these bring the world counterbalances the evil from the previously mentioned Legion of Doom candies. I also accept any of these good choices in lieu of your membership fees for reading my blog.

The Real NBA Top 50

During the 1997 All Star Weekend, the NBA came out with their list of the greatest 50 players of All Time. I agreed with most of the recipients, but I feel that some players got ripped off (Dominique Wilkins, Maurice Cheeks, Gary Payton). Ever since then I have thought about what criteria should be used to determine the greatest players. Is it winning championships, being an All-Star, holding league records or just having a long and successful career? I've been working on this for years and I came up with a formula to help determine who the greatest players are. I used a point system and gave players varying points for each of the following categories: 1) each year they played in the NBA, 2) every year they were selected as an All-Star, 3) each championship they earned, 4) each MVP, and 5) for being in the top all time leaders for Points, Rebounds, Blocks, Assists, and Steals.

As suspected many of the old timers no longer qualify for the top 50 since it has been 10 years and younger players have climbed the ranks and taken their place during this time. I don't mean to disrespect any of the legends who had previously been voted in, but some of them simply did not belong to begin with. Billy Cunningham and David Bing? Come on! As much as I like Pistol Pete, he just didn't have the numbers to justify the honor either. I thought Shaq was awarded the honor prematurely. He has obviously earned it now, but it would be like saying Lebron James is one of the 50 greatest players before he proves anything. After compiling my spreadsheet results I still did not agree with some of the rankings because there are just some intangibles that are hard to quantify. Kareem actually came out with the highest total of all players according to the formula. For anyone interested in seeing the exact number totals and ranks of the top 75 players of all time, I would be glad to share it with you, but in the mean time I have listed my version of the 50 greatest players. The players in bold are new to the top 50 from the original list.

1. Michael Jordan
2. Wilt Chamberlain
3. Bill Russell
4. Kareem Abdul Jabbar
5. Magic Johnson
6. Larry Bird
7. Hakeem Olajuwon
8. Karl Malone
9. Julius Erving
10. Shaquille O'Neal
11. Charles Barkley
12. Elvin Hayes
13. Oscar Robertson
14. John Stockton
15. John Havlicek
16. Bob Cousy
17. Moses Malone
18. Clyde Drexler
19. Tim Duncan
20. Kobe Bryant
21. Bob Pettit
22. Elgin Balylor
23. David Robinson
24. Scottie Pippen
25. Patrick Ewing
26. Sam Jones
27. Jerry West
28. Isiah Thomas
29. Gary Payton
30. Kevin Garnett
31. Allen Iverson
32. Maurice Cheeks
33. Hal Greer
34. Jason Kidd
35. Dominique Wilkins
36. Robert Parrish
37. Dolph Schayes
38. Lenny Wilkins
39. Steve Nash
40. Kevin McHale
41. Dave Cowens
42. Dikembe Mutombo
43. Rick Barry
44. Alex English
45. James Worthy
46. Bob McAdoo
47. George Gervin
48. Bill Walton
49. Wes Unseld
50. Willis Reed