Movies that might have made me cry

The other day I was at a luncheon that had an assortment of drinks. I randomly selected a can of Fresca. I don't think I have tasted this drink since I was a little kid. It had just a hint of carbonation and I really liked it. I felt a little sheepish afterwards since Fresca has a somewhat feminine connotation associated with it. There are many other more masculine drinks I could have chosen. Anyway while I am getting in touch with my feminine side I think it would be appropriate and entertaining to confess which movies I have either come close to or actually almost maybe cried in over the years. Keep in mind that many of these were viewed back when I was young and tender hearted.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was the first movie I remember crying at. These were tears of horror not sadness. That frizzy headed freak was knocking kids off left and right. This didn't go over well with me. My parents had to take me out of the theater. (No this was not the recent remake)
Roots-When the slave owners whip Kunta Kinte until he accepted his new name of Toby or was it Jordi LaForge?
The Great Santini-When Red bullies Toomor and breaks his bottles of honey he was about to sell at the market.
Forrest Gump-The scene when Forrest finds out he has a child and is trying to ask Jenny if he is dumb like him.
Cypher in the Snow-When the bullies take his hat and put it on the snowman they are making. The part that kills me is when they leave and Cliff also donates his stick of gum for the mouth.
Christmas Snows Christmas Winds- This is a low budget cousin to Cypher in the Snow but anyone who can make it through the french horn scene unaffected is heartless.
MASH-The final episode when Hawkeye admits he pressured a villager to smoother her chicken to keep it quiet so they would not be found by the North Koreans. At the end of the episode while meeting with the psychiatrist he breaks down and admits it was a baby and not a chicken.
Life is Beautiful- When Guido is protecting his son in the Nazi prison camp and trying to distract him and keep him happy despite the fact he knows he is going to be killed.
Titanic-Back off, I need to explain myself here. I saw it alone since my wife refused to watch it since she knew the happy ending involving almost everyone drowning. I had a hard time with the scene when the ship is sinking and the mom in the poor section of the ship was reading a book to her little kids trying to get them to sleep before they die. That movie also made me wonder "when I die will I be reunited in heaven with the strangers I met on a Carnival cruise that lasted a week instead of my own family and friends?"

So there you have it. Proof that you can be a manly stud and still have a sensitive side. I challenge any other guys to join me with your confessions. Please only submit sincere movies. No Dirty Dozen, Robocop, or Die Hard examples.

The Dark Knight Review

Let me start by clarifying that this is less of a review and more of a request for help to break a record. For years I have followed movie revenue statistics (I know, get a life) and have been baffled that Titanic is still the top domestic money making movie of all time. Everyone loved it when it came out but almost everyone rips on it now. It was a strange deal because it started slow and picked up steam. It didn't set any opening week records, but after it had been out for a month or two word of mouth and repeat viewers fueled it to take off for the next couple months. This is the same rare occurrence that happened with My Big Fat Greek Wedding although it was not nearly as successful. Titanic ended up making $600,779.00 in the U.S. before it was released to video. The next closest money maker is the Original Star Wars at 460,998.00 and that was even after Lucas cheated and re-released it a second time 20 years later. How can this be possible?

I have always watched and wished any movie would come along and replace Titanic as the top money maker of all time but nothing has ever come close. I have hoped in vain over the years as Lord of the Rings, The Star Wars prequels, and even Indiana Jones could not pull it off. After seeing the Dark Knight's numbers from the opening weekend I again have hope that this will finally be the movie to dethrone Titanic. I give this movie a solid 9 out of 10 stars and and I am very frugal when it comes to giving out stars. I am the Simon Cowell of movie reviews so even though the audience will boo me for saying this I have to admit if I would have liked to see a few minor details changed. I know it is a comic book movie and not real, but a couple small items distracted me. Especially considering how well everything was done. (Warning spoilers)

1) When Batman kidnaps the Chinese dude I would have preferred to see him strap the cable to a harness for them instead of just hold onto the bad guy and the cable and get ripped away by a speeding plane.
2) The make up for Dent/Two Face was a little extreme. No swelling the day after half your face is burnt off? I could have gone for a little less skeleton open eye socket and a little more swollen, charred look.
3) When he dives out the window of his skyscraper for Rachel he falls with her onto a car. That would kill anyone even if you were holding onto Batman. At least they could have shown a parachute or his wings open up to better show that their fall was slowed down.
4) Two Face and Batman had nearly the same raspy deep voice. It was like dueling banjos of who had the scratchiest voice. I was waiting to see Rod Stewart come out to challenge them to a voice duel.
5) I'd also cut out 15 minutes somewhere. I think the whole cell phone tracking/ sonar deal could have been eliminated and was only included to show how his sonar bat eyes worked. This felt like 2 or 3 movies in one. It was long but didn't drag on like Return of the King where they should have ended the movie about 6 scenes sooner than they did. I got my moneys worth in the first half hour so I'm not complaining.

There are a lot of reasons you should see this movie if you haven't yet. (For those of you who are either in prison or a coma and haven't yet). First of all if you divide the cost of admission by how many minutes the film is you are in for a bargain. The cost per minute is quite competitive at 2 and 1/2 hours. Compare that to an animated Pixar/Disney movie that lasts 90 minutes and you can see the value. The cast is top notch and there is great acting by many well known actors including Heath Ledger's last performance. It has amazing special effects, action, and drama accompanied by an intense James Horner music score.

I really enjoyed this movie and encourage everyone to go see it. (with the exception of young kids). Some people look at this as entertainment but I am looking at it as something far more important. I feel kind of like Jerry Lewis during one of his telethons. I will keep pleading with the public for their support and help over the next several weeks no matter how tired I get. This is the only movie that has a chance to sink Titanic. Together we can make history and do this. If we accomplish this goal I will throw a party at my house and I will invite Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Caine. I'll let you know if something comes up and they are unable to make it.

Addendum 08/17/08
In less than a month, The Dark Knight has grossed $471,793,000 and is at the #2 domestic all time rank. Titanic didn't really start setting records until it was out for a month. It was the top earning movie from the 4th-12th weekends it was in release. Despite the great start, the last 129 million will be very hard to get. Gut it up and go see it again with some friends before school starts.

Things that bug me

No need for an introduction here. It is time for me to whine and complain again. I have noticed that I have become increasingly critical and judgemental in my entries so I apologize in advance. Please don't take offense if you happen to enjoy any of the following items. We can still be friends. It is just much cheaper for me to rant about stuff occasionally than to go to therapy or buy medication.

Let me start my list with something really disturbing. It is sock gloves. These are basically gloves you wear on your feet. I have to admit I have never tried them, but I don't think I could even put them on because I would freak out. My toes would be claustrophobic and there would be too much added girth to my feet if I had to wear them.

An irritating thing I see when I check my e-mail are the stupid skin care before and after simulations. They are getting worse with time. At first they'd show a pretty model in the after picture then they'd airbrush crows feet and wrinkles on her for the before picture. It was a subtle transformation but you could see a discernible difference. Now they have a picture of what appears to be either a gorilla or a severe burn victim for the before picture. It was insulting before and it is just ridiculous now. The only thing that could be more extreme would be to show a dog poop in the before picture. I wish these complexion ads would take a hike with all the dancing silhouettes from the mortgage rate pop ups.

There are many songs that bug me but one that drive me crazy is Mr. Roboto by Styx. What's up with that? If you have ever heard the song you know what I'm talking about. Whenever I hear this song or even a reference to it, it takes me days to get the song out of my head along with the images that have been burned into my mind from watching the music video on MTV in the 80's.

I like Carl's Jr. but there are a couple things that bug me. First is their commercial with a young hungry guy eating like a pig with food dripping all over him. He doesn't seem to notice or care that he is a slob. It reminds me of watching a two year old eating an icecream cone. I know this is intentional but it just doesn't work for me. Another thing about their commercials I don't like is dropping overloaded hamburgers in slow motion and watching them bounce. I'm OK with watching grapes or cherry tomatoes bounce but not giant hamburgers.

While we are on the topic of food let me address raisins. I have a great idea how you can ruin a perfectly good cookie. Put raisins in it. That way some of us might get our hopes up when we see a cookie with what looks like chocolate chips in it. If you want to see the classic face of disappointment check out someone who bit into a cookie and just realized it contains raisins instead of chocolate chips. Raisins are actually awesome when they are fresh. I believe they are called grapes during their fresh stage.

I have noticed that sometimes in social settings people try to impress and outdo others. The classic example of this is when you tell a story and immediately someone has to one up you. I don't mind being out done, but it does bother me when they are not tactful at it. Anytime someone stars a sentence by saying "That's nothing" then launch into their more amazing story I have a problem. "It was 104 degrees last week. We were dying". "That's nothing, I'm from Phoenix and we hit 115 over 20 times last month." OK, never mind your are better and I suck.

Let's finish with the worst offender. It is the stupid sideways gang banger gun holding technique. Why are some people compelled in movies to hold the gun sideways when they shoot? Is there some benefit that produces a more accurate shot? I doubt it. I think it's like the sideways hat thing which insinuates "Dude look at me I'm so rebellious that I wear my hat sideways" What could be more crazy than holding someone up? Holding them up with a sideways gun! I think it is dumb unless there are gang members reading this blog who love to brandish their weapon as described. In that case it rocks!

I'm sure you all have things that drive you crazy so feel free to share them. We can call it group therapy.

Healthy Eating

Today I am in a serious mood. I had my body fat tested this week and it came back higher than it has ever been. I am pretty much lugging around a 50 lb. built in bag of fat with me everywhere I go. On the bright side the fat that was tested came back as high quality lard so at least it is good fat. This recent discovery coupled with the fact that I am turning 40 in a few months has gotten me down a little bit. My problem is that I am now at the point in my life where I would rather lie down than exercise, but I think the real culprit is food.

I like to eat food. I think I know deep inside when I've had enough, but I like to keep eating. I don't know if this is a learned response or hard wired to my nervous system but the whole taste, chew swallow thing can be addicting. I eat when I'm stressed and bored and I eat too much for my activity level. This means I take in more energy than I expend and the result is a softer, cuddlier version of me. I recently noticed that when I stretch and bend to the right or left I can't go as far as I used to. At first I thought it might be a flexibility issue, but then I realized it was an actual physical impediment of too much love handle mass getting in the way.

The hardest thing about what I'm experiencing is the guilt of hypocrisy. I have been certified with the International Sports and Sciences Association, the National Academy of Sports Medicine, and the American Council on Exercise. Having been a personal trainer I should know better. So in an effort to have a less depressing 40th birthday this year I am going to start to live by the following healthy eating tips I have compiled over the years. These are just little things but when they are combined they can make a difference. Feel free to apply them in your life if you find yourself in a similar situation.

1. Eat smaller meals and more frequently throughout the day (4-6 meals).
2. Drink at least 8-10 oz. glasses of water every day.
3. Avoid carbonated, caffeinated, and sugar based drinks (pop).
4. Avoid foods prepared in grease and oil. Steam rather than fry foods when possible.
5. Use non fat dairy products like skim milk, non-fat cottage cheese and yogurt.
6 Eat less highly processed foods like white bread and pre-packaged foods.
7. Choose whole grain cereals, breads, and pastas and eat foods high in fiber.
8. Eat all the raw vegetables you want, especially when you feel like snacking.
9. Don't grocery shop on an empty stomach.
10. Get familiar with food labels and watch for the misleading ones.
11. Avoid saturated, hydrogenated, and trans fats. Olive oil is a healthy replacement.
12. Don't snack late at night especially on high carb foods.
13. Use a multi-vitamin to insure you are not deficient in any micro nutrients.
14. Substitute fresh fruit for desserts.
15. Look for lean protein sources like chicken, turkey, or fish. Remove skin from poultry.
16. Replace jam jellies, and syrups with applesauce and fresh fruit toppings.
17. When eating out order a salad and order light dressing on the side.
18. Share large entrees with someone or eat half and take the rest home in a doggy bag.
19. Don't be afraid to ask for substitutions (salad or fruit for fries).
20. Don't confuse thirst, boredom, or stress with hunger.
21. Plan your meals the night before. Healthy eating never happens by accident.
22. Keep track of what you eat each day. Use a nutrition journal like you would a checkbook.
23. Eat a variety of healthy foods. Don't get bored with the same routine everyday.
24. Sit down to eat and enjoy your meals. It's hard to remember what you are eating on the run.
25. Set aside one day a week to eat whatever you want without any guilt.

Random Thoughts

You know how yawning can be contagious? Well so is cleaning your windshield. Next time you are driving on the freeway hit the wiper fluid button then check your rear view mirror. Chances are several cars behind you will do the same.

If you ever see an attractive woman remember even though she might be pretty on the outside there is a skeleton in there and intestines and other gross stuff. Don't give too much credit to outward appearances.

You've probably seen movies when a character stumbles across some top secret crime operation so they tell the police and they raid the place just to find out it is now an empty warehouse or some legitimate business. Usually the bad guy is there acting innocent and then the police chief rips on the informant for making up some story. I think it would be cool to have someone identify a criminal with a beard and when the police show up to arrest him the next day their plan is thwarted because they would point out that it couldn't be him because this guy doesn't have a beard.

I hate to see new drugs approved by the FDA even though they haven't been tested very long. I think things need to be proven over a long period of time so we can make sure they are safe. You know when you see the new drug commercials come out you can plan on seeing a wave of attorney commercials for the same drug in about 18 months. I still think mankind is in for a rude awakening some day for engineering the whole seedless watermelon deal.

I used to hate watching the anamatronic Chucky Cheese robots. They seemed so fake and stiff. After careful insight I think we are all Chucky Cheese robots to a certain extent. I can't really explain why I believe this but I call I get to be the guy who plays the drums.

Sometimes I am critical of statistics and facts that people throw out. The one I have the hardest time with is when people say if you were to take your nerves, blood vessels, or some other body part, and unravel them they are so extensive that they could go around the earth 2 times or even to the moon. I hope I'm not the only one who has heard this exaggerated claim. First of all I call BS on this. Until I see someone actually do this I won't believe it. They might go the length of a foot ball field, but give me a break with the around the world deal. Maybe when I die I will donate my body to science and let someone sick enough to try this give it a shot so I can prove them wrong.

A Good Sneeze

I have always wondered if others perceive certain experiences in life like I do or if their perceptions are completely different. I understand that everyone has different tastes and preferences, but I don't know how anyone can not enjoy sneezing. I believe I have an enhanced gift to enjoy sneezing and that is why I am a sneeze advocate. I am not talking about a sneezing attack, hay fever, or an allergic reaction, but just your average once in a while sneeze.

I know sometimes people who have seizures experience an aura or brief warning before it happens. When I have a sneeze aura it is always good news. I love the feeling when you get the subtle tickling fizzy feeling in your head. You slowly breath in as your eyes slightly squint and your body prepares for the sneeze. If you ever feel a sneeze coming on but think you are going to lose it, try this helpful aid. Look up into a light source and it will help further it along. If you doubt this just think about when you go outside into bright light and suddenly feel the urge to sneeze. Little kids and babies are especially receptive to this and will often shoot off 2 or 3 sneezes as soon as they hit the light. I have had friends who doubt this but science does back it up and I know it is true.

I have noticed that there are different kinds of sneezers. Most women try to be polite when sneezing by muffling it. Not only does this destroy a good sneeze experience, but it is very dangerous. This can actually take years off your life. Next time you see a woman transform a sneeze into a little hick up remember it is worse for her than smoking a pack of cigarettes. It's like jumping on a grenade to save your platoon. Those around you might appreciate it but it will mess you up. I sneeze the way nature intended us to.

When I get ready to sneeze I visualize a little Yosemite Sam in my head and he has a lit stick of dynamite and is standing on a pile of boxes that say TNT and he is laughing. I sneeze with the fury of a Hurricane and I don't apologize to anyone . I'm sure the Tibetans who live past 100 do so too. As long as you say "excuse me" after it is perfectly acceptable. If you say this others will say "bless you" or "gesundheit" or some other german word. Sneezing is a great way to get other people to wish you health and blessings. So the next time you are depressed or stressed just sneeze. After the sneeze you get a whirlwind of chemicals spinning in your head for a brief natural buzz. It's time we enjoy the simple things in life like nature's ultimate comfort food, the Sneeze.

The Least Motivating Songs

Over the years my wife has played the violin in recording sessions for movie soundtracks. One day she pointed out to me how much the music really affects the feeling of a movie. If you watch any horror movie with the sound turned down and instead listened to Henry Mancini's Baby Elephant Walk song or the theme to the Simpsons it would no longer be scary.

I wondered if this same idea could be utilized to deflate exciting sports moments one might find in the WWF or whatever they call it these days. If you have ever seen All Star Wrestling then you know that when the main event wrestlers are introduced they play loud rock music and shoot off fireworks. Usually it is an exciting song that gets the crowd pumped up. Hulk Hogan used Eye of the Tiger as his theme song forever.

I would like to be in charge of the music that is played when wrestlers come out to the ring for their introduction. I wonder if they could still go crazy and maintain an intimidating image if the following songs were playing as they approached the ring. I have ranked my top 10 narcoleptic gems in order of their potency or rather lack thereof.

10. Making Love out of Nothing at All-Air Supply
9. Lady-Kenny Rogers
8. If You Don't Know Me By Know-Simply Red
7. Cherish-Kool and the Gang
6. True-Spandau Ballet
5. We've Only Just Begun-The Carpenters
4. Three Times a Lady-The Commodores
3. Sailing-Christopher Cross
2. Suddenly-Billy Ocean
1. The Theme from Taxi-Bob James

To appreciate the care and effort that went into picking these easy listening classics you have to really visualize the Ultimate Warrior standing on the second rope in the corner flexing and facing the crowd and trying to get pumped up while one of these songs is playing. I think even the most angry wrestler/actor would be deflated after being introduced to any of these songs. Well there you have it. This entry was short and probably too abstract for most readers to appreciate but it was a story that needed to be told.