Rip Off Car Repairs

A few weeks ago I heard one of Jerry Seinfeld's jokes that I really related to. He mentioned how when his car breaks down it is customary to pop the hood and try to pinpoint the problem. He then said unless there is a giant on/off switch under the hood that just happens to be in the off position then he is screwed. That totally describes me.

I have never been much of a mechanic. I even struggled maintaining my own bike as a kid. When I go to Pep Boys or Auto Zone I usually buy things like air fresheners, sponges, and glass cleaner. I see other men lugging in oily car parts and talking in code language to the guys behind the counter. I know they are just putting on a show because they have a low self esteem and are intimidated by me.

I can actually name several parts of my car that are found under the hood. I can locate the battery, air filter, windshield wiper fluid reservoir (my favorite part), the radiator, and that big metal thing that burns you if you touch it. Aside from these parts the rest is just a bunch of confusion. I cold probably make repairs to the space shuttle as easily as I could my own car. Fortunately my repairs have been kept to a minimum recently unlike other times when everything seems to break simultaneously.

I used to hate it when I had to take my car to a mechanic because I never knew if they were taking advantage of me. You've probably seen the equivalent of "To Catch A Predator" that dateline does on car repair scams. A mechanic can tell within a few seconds of conversation if you understand cars or not. It's kind of like how a dog can sense if you are scared of it. It reminds me of the scene in Vacation when Clark Griswold's car breaks down near the Grand Canyon and he goes to the local gas station. When he asks how much the repairs will cost the red neck mechanic just smiles and says "How much you got?" I hate the vulnerable feeling of not having the automotive knowledge needed to know if you are being ripped off.

Several years ago I learned that the husband of a coworker was a mechanic. At times he would come to our house to work on ailing vehicles. I tried to use those moments to teach my boys about being a man. I would point out the tires and windshield wipers to them as he worked on the car so they would think I was in on the repairs. Over the years he has fixed my cars many times and does great work for much less than other mechanics but the best part is that I can trust him. He gives me the old broken parts after making repairs and actually shows me what he did. One of my little boy's called him "Car Fix" and the name sort of stuck.

Having a good mechanic is as important as a good lawyer or family doctor and I happen to think that Car Fix is the Thomas Moore of the car repair industry.

Facial Hair 101

Facial hair is a gift. Some guys look good with it and others don't. I'm one of those who don't and that's why I only dabble with beard growing once a year around Christmas time. The problem with being clean shaven all the time is that when you do start to grow some scruff everyone makes a big deal out of it. To avoid the attention and questions I just tell people I'm growing it so I can audition for the role of Tevye in Fiddler on The Roof.

I have categorized and given a brief summary and examples of the 11 most common facial hair styles. For your viewing pleasure I have even included some visual aids which was no small task considering how difficult it is to import more than one picture into blogger.

1) The Original Moustache-This look was more popular in the 70's and 80's and was glorified by Tom Selleck. Today it is mostly sported by law enforcement officials.

2) The Goatee/Van Dyke-Is more popular today. This look was originally made popular by Satan then by Rembrandt paintings. Today it is a favorite of Stone Cold Austin and Jim Rome.

3) The Handle Bar Moustache-This is an ugly style but I won't say that to Hulk Hogan's face. If you let it grow really long and thin it out you have it's cousin which is...

4) The Fu Man Chu-The kung fu master look is especially beneficial if you are trying to get people to snatch pebbles from your hand.

5) The Stubble Beard-Don Johnson of Miami Vice and George Michael made the 5 o clock shadow beard popular.

6) The Full Beard-James Brolin has the best full beard I've ever seen. It is a full look yet it's trimmed and clean looking.

7) Mutton Chops-Also known as the reverse goatee. This is a nasty look that is achieved by only shaving the immediate chin area. Wolverine fits the description.

8) The Chinstrap-This one gives me the chills. Captain Ahab and Abraham Lincoln sported this look as does Mose from The Office. It's basically one long side burn or a uni-burn.
9) The Long Beard- Also known as the ZZ Top, the Civil War General, the Castaway, or homeless look.

10) The Soul Patch-This could also be called the hairy lower lip or "oops I missed a spot for an entire month." Thank you Howie Mandel.

11) The Waxed Moustache-Salvador Dali and Rollie Fingers take this look to the limit. It should only be appropriate if you are a member of a barbershop quartet.

After reviewing all these fashion statements I just might consider having a hairy face more often than once a year.

Super Heroes

When I was a little kid my favorite cartoon was Super Friends. Aqua Man was my favorite. I'm not sure why since he is the least cool superhero and I have always hated water. Even as a kid I noticed that Super Friends was a little bit formulaic. In almost every episode they would find themselves in the villain's trap and would say "Getting dizzy, must contact Hall of Justice... or getting weaker must reach bat utility belt...". I also loved the narrator's customary segway "Meanwhile over the Mohave Desert... " The only negative was the inclusion of the Wonder Twins and Gleek. They were an abomination and didn't belong with the cool superheroes. As much as I disliked them I have to admit I have been guilty of doing the "form of a woolly mammoth/form of an ice shield" routine with friends to get our powers to activate over the years.

Most guys like superheroes. You can come up to any guy on the street and ask him what super powers he wishes he had and he will immediately share several answers. Girls on the other hand will just roll their eyes and think you are stupid. Growing up I could probably only name the most popular ones like: Superman, Batman, Hulk, Wonder Woman, The Fantastic Four, Captain America, and maybe a few others. Anyone who really knows superheroes would considered me a poser since I have never purchased a comic book and probably only know 1/10th of the actual superheroes that exist. The main comic book publishers are DC, Marvel, Image, and Dark Horse and they have created hundreds of characters over the years.

Most people probably hadn't heard of Iron Man, the Silver Surfer, Daredevil, Hell Boy, Elektra, or the Phantom before movies came out about them. I've been surprised to learn that some movies were based on comic books because they don't fit the typical superhero mold and there is nothing comical about them. Some of the darker ones are Blade, The Punisher, Spawn, Watchmen, Judge Dredd, etc. There have been some good superhero movies over the years. I've ranked my all time favorites below:

The Matrix (Neo may not be thought of as a traditional superhero but he flies.)

Iron Man
Batman Begins/The Dark Knight

X-Men

Spider Man

Superman (Although the continual sequels just kept getting worse)

Hulk (The most recent one)

Christmas Tree Decorating

It's interesting to see how some people take holiday traditions so seriously. I remember Christmas the year I got married. As newlyweds we had to negotiate and compromise some of our traditions. It was interesting to see who had the dominant Christmas gene and ended up getting their way with the following questions. Does Santa wrap presents and put them under the tree or just arrange them on the couch cushions? Can we open a present on Christmas Eve? and the biggest one of all, should we have a fake or real tree?

I have participated in the fake tree vs. real tree debate for many years and with many people. I have learned that most people take less offense if you make fun of their mother than they do by expressing your tree preferences. I also call this debate the symmetrical beautiful looking safe tree vs. the sappy shedding needles fire hazard Dr. Seuss looking tree. I guess you can tell my preference. Even though I am an artificial tree enthusiast I will be the first to admit there is something unnatural about dusting and assembling a tree but I think they look much nicer as long as you don't get the really cheap ones. I know that a real tree also has a nice smell to it but the smell alone is not worth the trade off of your Christmas tree looking like a cactus or a bush.

Some people are so distracted by the holiday spirit that they don't realize that there is a right way to decorate a tree. The first step is to string the lights. Please don't use giant outdoor lights on an indoor tree! Do not wrap the light strands tightly in circles around the tree like you are trying to tie someone up. The lights are the foundation of a well decorated tree. I'm pretty sure I have OCD when it comes to tree lights. In the past I have taken them off and started over and rearranged them several times until it "felt" just right.

Ornament placement is an important part of a good looking tree but many people mess it up. Hang larger ornaments down low and smaller ones up higher up. Any ugly ones that you feel obligated to use can go around the back where nobody can see them. Symmetry and spacing are crucial so I don't let the kids do too much of the decorating and when I do I will usually rearrange them when they are not looking. By the time I'm done decorating our tree it looks great, but my kids are a little bit scared of me. It's ironic that someone with such enthusiasm for holiday decorating can give off the same vibes as Ebenezer Scrooge and micromanage the fun out of it.

Once the tree is decorated I turn off the other room lights and just sit down and just watch it while listening to Christmas music. This is a beautiful time. I enjoy it while I can because it is guaranteed that one of the sets of lights will burn out a week or two before Christmas. I cherish the time I spend reverently basking in the light of this sacred and beautiful symbol because after December 25th it is just a depressing, presentless, pain in the butt mess to clean up and put away.

I realize that in the past I have been too judgemental of other's trees and decorations. This year I think my heart finally grew a few sizes bigger as I watched my kids attempt to help me decorate our tree. I have been a Christmas tree elitist all my life and it has taken me a long time to chill out and understand that people who string popcorn or hang tinsel from their trees deserve to have a good Christmas too no matter how bad their trees might look. Just because my tree looks better than yours doesn't mean you can't enjoy yours. Merry Christmas.

Differences Between the Sexes

I was going to call this entry "The Difference Between Men and Women", but I thought I'd experiment to see if my web traffic would go up if I use the word sex in the title of this post instead. If you are new to this blog and just got directed here from a web search, sorry to let you down, but welcome anyway. I was not smart enough to write a book about men and women and planets, but I do have some observations I'd like to share. I admit these are obvious generalizations, but for the most part they hold true. There are many differences between men and women, but I've found that the obvious physical ones are the least of them.

Shopping-I hate shopping. I don't mind buying groceries since I can anticipate eating them and food makes me happy, but if we have to go shopping let's get it done fast. The two worst places to go shopping with a woman are 1) for clothes, and 2) to a fabric store. Clothes shopping takes forever and my feet and legs will literally give out after a few minutes of following my wife around. It is painful to wait for her to try things on. She has learned not to take me along since I will rain on her parade. Fabric stores are even worse. These are stores full of bolts of fabric and patterns. There are usually only a few places to sit down and you can see tired husbands fighting for seats like a game of musical chairs. Luckily they have magazines in case you are waiting for a woman who happens to be checking out every sample of fabric in the store. Unfortunately all the magazines are about fabric!

Friends-Guys don't do a lot of talking with their friends and when they do it is usually superficial stuff like sports and movies. Most guys keep to themselves. Girls tell their friends every intimate detail about their lives. A while back I went to a movie with a friend who I had not seen for several years. We went to go see The Bourne Identity. We met at the theater and I asked how things were going and he said good. We sat down, watched the trailers, and then the movie. When it was over we walked out and we said "see ya" and left. When my wife asked how things went I told her it went well. She asked me questions about my friend that I did not know I was supposed to ask. She was appalled that we were so aloof and impersonal. Sorry we are guys.

Multi Tasking-It seems that women can do a variety of things at the same time. (One of these is usually talking on the phone). The fairer sex can carry on conversations, cook, clean, send e-mails, and discipline kids all at the same time. I need peace and quiet just to open a can of peaches. Guys are like DOS and women like Windows. Women are almost always better at multi-tasking than men except for one are...

Watching TV-I just said that men are bad mutli-taskers but this is the one exception. I can watch 3 or 4 TV shows at the same time and have excellent comprehension of each program. It's kind of like speed reading but instead of impressing people it just annoys them. A guy obviously invented the jump channel feature on a remote control. I can tell if something is worth watching in a fraction of a second. My wife is not as judgemental. She will watch a show for several minutes to decide if it has any merit. This can be frustrating when you have already determined that the channel should be changed. Women want to know what is on TV, Men want to know what else is on TV.

Self Confidence-Women are usually harder on themselves and guys are more forgiving. Women look in the mirror and complain about their imperfections regardless of how beautiful they may be. Guys look in the mirror with unwarranted confidence and are often clueless about their negative attributes. When a woman starts to gain weight she complains about getting fat. When a guy gains wait he blames his clothes for shrinking.

Men and women obviously have their differences but I have found that whenever there is a disagreement between the two, women usually end up being right (except for the channel changing scenario). It is frightening to think how lame life would be without the influence of women in our lives.

Time Travel

There have been many movies over the years featuring time travel. Some of the more popular ones are: Frequency, Back to the Future, The Terminator, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, Time Bandits, Deja Vu, Star Trek, Groundhog Day, The Time Machine, 13 Going on 30, Time Cop, Superman, 12 Monkeys, Kate and Leopold, Timeline, Planet of the Apes, Somewhere in Time, etc.

This is a topic I am very familiar with and have given alot of thought to. My wife thinks it is a waste to spend time thinking about this topic but someday she will be grateful I was prepared. I have often thought about what it would be like if you could go back in time to when you were in High School with the body you had as a teenager but with the wisdom, experience, and maturity you now have? Not that High School is the place one would want go if they had the ability to go travel back in time, but I have thought about this as it relates to basketball. If I had the jumping ability and fitness level I had as a teenager combined with my current understanding and knowledge of the game then I could have been unstopable. I was totally serious as I typed this and then I realized I sound like Uncle Rico in Napolean Dynomite.

The problem is that if I were able to do this then there would probably be time travel police hired by the NEA doing the same thing. They would be on a witch hunt to find out which students were really adults in a teenager's body. How would they catch the guilty parties? Maybe they would work in the lunch room to see who ate well balanced low cholesterol meals. I think another way the bounty hunters could identifying potential time travelers would be to watch which students had a better understanding and concern for politics and current events. They couldn't let the student body or faculty know what was happening so it would have to be a secret operation and they would also have to be posing as teenagers. (All this talk of adults posing as young students reminds me of an episode of Beverly Hills 90210).

Maybe one day at a pep assembly in front of the entire school you realized a fellow student was a bounty hunter and he realized you knew his real identity. Just imagine what might happen as these two time travelers were playing mind games and sizing each other up while at the same time trying to perform the skit they had been working on for the assembly. That would be awesome.

Sometimes I have wished I could go back and take advantage of investments for trends or technology that are common place today. I have imagined how things would be different if I had money to invest in companies like Apple, Microsoft, YouTube, Google, or others when they were just starting out. If I could go back in time and make investments in those companies I'm sure there would be time travel police there too. They'd keep a close eye on anyone who did well with their investments and would scrutinize your every action. I think it would actually be far more stressful to try and deal with that scenario and keep from being discovered than it would to just try and survive in today's economy and that is the main reason I haven't gone back and taken advantage of prior historical events.


I know none of these ideas are original. but anyone who copies my idea and writes a book or makes a movie about this had better pay me some kind of residual! If not I will go back in time and steal the script from you.

Grumpy Old Man

When I turned 30 I noticed that store employees started calling me sir. I turned 40 a couple months ago and was dealing with it pretty well until this week. A 20 year old kid was in my office and saw pictures of my kids and asked if "those were all my grand kids. " At first I just figured he was clueless but then I also remembered that I have recently been getting flyers in the mail from a hearing aid company. So while I was in my rocking chair yesterday I was thinking back about the many changes in society and advances in technology that have happened during my long lifetime. I felt like Dana Carvey's character "Grumpy Old Man" when I think back about how things used to be when I was younger. Here are a few of my observations.

In my day kids had to have an attention span to watch TV. It took metal toughness to watch Mr. Roger's 15 minute hushed toned monologues before we could get to the real action of watching Lady Aberlin and Bob Dog visit the place where they make apple sauce.

In my day nobody have ADD. It was just called "childhood". Since when were young kids supposed to pay attention for more than a few minutes? They weren't so quick to prescribe drugs to anyone who struggled in school either. Instead they'd just put you in the brown reading group. People didn't have Alzheimer's back then either, it was just called old age.

In my day very few people had child restraints in cars and if you did you quit using them once a child was old enough to walk. Today you get a ticket if your 12 year old is not in a car seat. We also used to pack 7 kids into a station wagon with the back seats folded flat with no seat belts. It built character.

In my day it was normal to skin you knees and elbows and get cuts, bruises, and road rash. The only people who wore helmets and pads were a football players. I guess you could have worn them to ride a bike if you were looking to get beat up.

In my day it used to take 45 seconds just to dial a phone number because we had to actually "dial" the number. Most young people today don't know what dialing means. Today nearly every 6th grader has his own cel phone and you are a neglectful parent if your child doesn't.

In my day when you wrote a paper for school it was either hand written or typed. Yes they taught typing with typewriters when I was in high school. We also did our research out of actual books like encyclopedias.

In my day the controls for video games consisted of one black stick and one orange button. Today you need a PHD to operate a game controller. I could go into more detail on this topic but I already have on a prior entry.

In my day when you watched a medicine commercial on TV they had a simple slogan like plop plop fizz fizz and that was about it. Today medicine commercials use most of the time listing close to 20 horrific side effects that are far worse than what ever might be ailing you. But that's ok because they usually show someone walking on the beach or curled up in front of the fireplace with a good book with a smile on her face as they list them.

In my day shorts were actually short. Today they should be called baggys. You could make uniforms for my entire high school basketball team out of all the fabric from one of Karl Malone's uniforms. (I'm not complaining. This one actually is an improvement). Speaking of the NBA, when I watched games growing up I can't remember one player who had a tatoo. I recently watched an old video tape of the 1992 NBA Allstar Game and not even Dennis Rodman had any visible tatoos back then. While I'm on the topic of sports, that reminds me that in youth sports only the winning teams used to get trophies!

I know that there are people much older than me who think I had it easy and can't wait to jump in and say "that's nothing" and one up me with stories about out houses and starting their car with a crank, but fortunately most old people are scared to death of computers and don't know what a blog is so I don't have to worry about that happening. If I'm hip enough to have a blog than maybe I'm not ready to join AARP yet.