Resolutions/The Bucket List

Someone has been lazy lately. This is the longest I have ever gone between posts. I feel even worse for not visiting all the blogs I usually follow. I will stay on top of things better this upcoming year. Last year I set a lot of goals and as usual, I only completed a small percentage of them. I was however able to do the following: graduate from college, get a scooter, run another marathon, and get 100 followers on my blog, and lose 20 pounds. Like most people this time of year, I have been considering what I'd like to accomplish in 2010. I know many people are against resolutions, but I think goals are critical for me or I don't get anything done.

As I was looking over my bucket list of things I'd like to do during my life, I was a little bit torn. I like the idea of living life to the fullest, and I had previously made a list of all kinds of things I'd like to do some day before I die, but while I was reviewing the list, I began to question if I really wanted to some of the items I had previously written down. One example is being able to jump from my back to my feet like Jackie Chan and other marital artists do. It doesn't really accomplish anything, but it sure looks cool. Also, if I really wanted to play the piano I probably would have stuck with my lessons when I was 10. I'm a little confused if I giving up on my dreams or just determining what things I really care about?

I think 2010 will have some good things in store. I'd like to take Chaka's World to the Next level by turning it into a TV mini series staring Jacqueline Smith and Leslie Nielsen. If that doesn't work out I will have some other surprises, but I will make it a better place to visit in 2010. Happy New Year!

The Power of Concentration

As we approach the final days before Christmas, my thoughts are naturally drawn towards today's topic- the power of concentration. I have mixed feelings about stuff that is concentrated. This is especially true when I hear people boasting about how concentrated a particular substance may be. Sometimes I hear things like "one drop of nerve gas is powerful enough to kill 1,000 people" I have also heard similar reports how a certain quantity of cobra venom could kill x amount of rodents. That may be true, but I'm inclined to think some of these claims may be exaggerated.

Speaking of poisonous substances, when I was little we used to have a gallon container of "passion punch". You would mix a teaspoon full of the syrup into a glass of water and it would turn into a koolaid-like substance. I have always been amazed how it never ran out during my entire childhood. I just now realized it was not so much because it was so concentrated, but rather because the taste kept us from ever coming back for more unless we got really desperate. There are also positive examples of concentrated substances like frozen orange juice concentrate, vanilla extract, cleaners, and laundry detergent.

I appreciate the whole concentration concept and think it makes sense and is good for the environment, but I'm still a little skeptical about some product claims. Does the concentrated laundry detergent really go as far as it claims to? Is the nerve gas really as lethal as people claim it is? I guess I will never know. These are some of the mysteries of life that I may go down to my grave never solving. One of the reasons I try to live a good life is so when I die I can have access to the heaven library and get answers to all of my questions. Things like who killed JFK, UFO cover ups, conspiracy theories, and finding out who dropped off anonymous Christmas treats and gifts and our house.

PS- When I make frozen orange juice, it says to mix it with 3 cans of water. I like to add 3 and a half, because I still think it has plenty of flavor that way. If there are a line of thirsty kids waiting for me to make it, I will sometimes even bump it up to 4 to make it last longer. Please don't tell.

Picture of the Month Dec 09

I think this is great. I can't compete with my neighbors lights either.

Modern Art- The Warning Signs

I enjoy art, but will be the first to admit that I am no expert. I understand that a big part of art appreciation is one's interpretation and personal preferences. I'm not here to lay down the rules and tell people what they should and should not like, but I have to put my foot down when it comes to some forms of modern art. I frequently feel insulted or ripped off when I see some "modern" art. I prefer classic realistic artwork where you can actually tell what the subject matter is supposed to be. Maybe I'm just lazy. I thought I'd give you some tips on how to identify Modern Art. Here are some warning signs to watch for:

1) If it looks like a monkey or a a sloppy 4 year old kid painted it, it's probably modern art.

2) If the eyes and other facial features are not where they should be-watch out. Yes I'm talking to you Mr. Picasso.
3) If it looks like 6 buckets of paint exploded over a canvas, then beware. (Coughing while saying Pollock)
4) It consists of only 2 or three colored shapes or even worse, a blank canvas.
5) If people have to assure you that you made a great investment despite the fact you just paid a million dollars for a mockery.

6) If you feel like you just saw an episode of Sprockets after viewing it, then it's probably modern art.

Shouldn't some sort of consumer protection agency press charges against certain artists for letting their artsy nothing paintings sell for so much? (Yes I am probably just jealous because I didn't think of that scam first)

Some will accuse me of being shallow and not intelligent enough to fully appreciate the deep meaning of a blank canvas with one blue circle in the corner entitled "Juxtaposition of pathos". I'll admit I may be simple minded, but I'm still not falling for it. I actually do enjoy many modern pieces and contemporary artists, it's just the ones that make me say "even I could do that" that I get angry about it. I'm okay with Kandinsky since he has so much color and I love Salvador Dali. How can you not like melting watches and psychedelic stuff. I still don't get what the big deal is about Warhol. Maybe some day when I finally get cultured I will be able to appreciate the deep meaning of a can of Campbell's soup.

Cell Phones

I only know a few people who don't own a cell phone, and despite their living in the dark ages, I secretly admire them. As much as I love having immediate communication, there are also some benefits to not having a cell phone. Whenever I accidentally leave home without mine, I initially panic, but then I feel sort of liberated and refreshed, like I have been on a Tony Robbins retreat out in the desert for a week.

Several years ago, I set my ring to vibrate and have never taken it off. I prefer a subtle notification when I'm getting a call. I have adapted to be able to hear the quiet buzz even in a noisy room. I freak out whenever I accidentally change it to a real ring tone and it goes off. I'm paranoid of turning into one of those obnoxious people who have very loud ring tones who let it ring 7 times or wait for the whole song to play before they answer their phone. I am always amazed when I'm in a meeting or a presentation and some one's noisy ringer goes off and they finally answer it and then actually carry on a conversation in a loud voice without leaving, all the while being oblivious to the group they are distracting and interrupting.

My Verizon contract is finally up next month so I have been looking at different phones and options. I currently have a Palm Treo but have been toying with switching to a Blackberry. I'm also looking at an I-phone, but they cost so much. I have too many options and wonder if anyone has any suggestions? If you own a cell phone you are qualified to comment and tell me what works for you.

I came across this picture while looking for cell phone photos online. I am usually against self-mutilation, but this guy makes a strong case for the win-win partnership of gauging and hands free phone use.

The World's Grossest Carpet

And the award goes to.... me. When we moved into our home nearly 10 years ago, the seller included a carpet allowance since she was so embarrassed about the condition of the carpet. We ended up using the money for something else we considered more important (probably food) and never got around to replacing it. As you can imagine with a house full of kids, the condition has not gotten any better over the last 10 years. It is truly disgusting.

Over time there have been a plethora of spilled substances, and I won't go into detail about them in case you are eating something now, but they have all left their mark on the carpet. Just last week while walking up the stairs I found a plate of pancakes and syrup that a two year old had turned upside down on the carpet. The sad thing is, it didn't make any difference. It really can't get any worse. We've had the carpets cleaned many times but after a short time they return to their disgusting nature. You know it's bad when your dirty carpet not only mocks you, but the ripped seams in it also trip you when you walk by.

The dilemma I have is that we are not dirty people (despite the attached photographic evidence) and this disgusting carpet is starting to bring me down like a depressing country song or a bad hair day. Sometimes when I see it, I feel like Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes and I want to collapse on the ground screaming "It's a Madhouse!" My wife hates it even more than I do. It is so bad that it has kept us from entertaining friends or having people over. We are afraid that if someone sees it we will lose our country club membership or will no longer be invited to the Oscars each year.

Our neighbor was replacing her old carpet and I used some of her old carpet pieces and put them over some sections of our carpet and now I feel like I live in the Taj Mahal when I walk on those areas. I also realized how bad of a job I did and it wouldn't surprise me to find my handiwork ending up on There I fixed it.

So, if you have recently been complaining about the condition of your flooring, I just thought I'd give you a little perspective and let you know that it could be worse. Sorry to share such a nasty pictures, but at least this post wasn't titled "the world's hairiest back", or "the world's worst rash." You're welcome.

Nose Blowing Anxiety

I feel a little uncomfortable addressing this subject since personal hygiene can be a touchy issue and to be frank, what we are really talking about here is snot. I have decided that since it is runny nose season I will go ahead with this post.

I have always felt awkward and uncomfortable when it comes to blowing my nose. When I need to blow my nose, I will go in a bathroom or do so behind closed doors. I don't like it and I really feel weird doing it in front of others. I was recently relieved when my sister in law expressed similar feelings about this subject. It's good to know I'm not alone while dealing with this difficult issue.

Aside from the potential social stigma, I also hate the sensation of blowing my eardrums out. I have to admit I'm just not a very good nose blower. I know that nose blowing has it's place. People who sniffle all day and make nasty mucus related noises can be more offensive that the noisiest nose blowers. I think it is ironic that I'm so sensitive to this subject since I not only enjoy, but endorse loud vigorous sneezing.

Some people are unabashed nose blowers and have no problem doing so in a social setting, even while they are addressing a large group of people. I think it is an age thing. Usually the older generation is guilty of this. Many of these people are also the ones who carry cloth handkerchiefs in their pocket. I appreciate the concept of being prepared, but in a day and age of everyone being hand sanitizer freaks, and coughing into their shoulder, I think it is time for the cloth handkerchief to go the way of the dinosaurs.

Ladies, if you were at a funeral or some other emotional event and an old guy pulled out his personal hankie to let you wipe your tears would you use it? You may end up with booger mascara if you did. Sorry for being so gross. I'll have better topics in the future.

Muscle Posing

I do not consider myself to be an expert on flexing muscles and posing despite spending a good 15 minutes doing so every morning when I get out of the shower. I may not be an expert, but I can tell you what I think looks dumb. Pretty much any time someone holds a pose and flexes their muscles it kind of makes me wonder. I can understand an animal in the wild doing so to scare off it's enemy, but it is kind of unnecessary these days.

I have a couple exceptions to this rule. The first is if you are a professional body builder and you make your living by going on stage to show off the results of your hard work. My second exception for when it is okay to get into flexing is if you can beat the crap out of me. Then by all means do what you want and know you have my full support and admiration. Unless someone fits into the two above mentioned categories, I will be more critical of them since they probably do so for attention or because they think a lot of themselves.

There are many different flexing poses to choose from. Of all these different poses, the worst one has to be the Hans and Frans front pose with your hands gripped in front of you like an angry gorilla. If you are going to go to the trouble of performing a muscle pose I suggest you go straight to the coolest one in the book. The "Captain of the Universe/To infinity and beyond" pose as demonstrated by Arnold below. No, that is not me and I'm sick and tired of people always confusing my body with his. I'm afraid If I ever attempted this pose, that lasers would shoot out of my fingers and I'd turn into an intergalactic beacon of coolness.

Christmas Decorating

Now that it is December, I can address this subject without angering those people who want to keep the holidays in their proper order. (Those are the same people who reprimand people for listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving.) I have also been a little critical of other's Christmas traditions in the past. I am trying to chill out and be more tolerant so I am not going to do the following things this year:

1) I won't complain about how early some people start decorating.

2) I will not criticize your Christmas tree.

3) I will not say anything about the Clark Griswold's of the world who's decorated home's give off more light than the sun.

However, there is one area, where I can not budge. This has to do with consistency. I suggest you pick a theme when decorating and stick with it. I know it takes some mental effort and focus but it is worth it. If a nativity scene is too religious for you then use Frosty The Snowman or Santa stuff, but please don't have a manger scene in your front yard accompanied by Santa, Jack Frost, and Spider Man. This is my simple Christmas wish (and also world peace). For those of you who insist on the Shrek, Rudolph, and Iron Man combination, I still wish you a Merry Christmas, or whatever it is you are celebrating.

Thanksgiving (literally)

I thought it might be appropriate to express some thanks today since I didn't do so yesterday. Years ago at a certain low point of my life, I was feeling depressed and picked on. I was about to have a George Baily breakdown when I felt prompted to make a list of things I was grateful for. I started with major obvious things like:

I didn't have criminal record and had not appeared as a surprise guest star on Dateline.
I wasn't paralyzed and didn't have any serious physical challenges.
I was able to read and write.
I was not born during the dark ages.
I lived in a country where I had the freedom to do and say what I want.
I had a beautiful wife and family.

I then moved on to some less obvious things and the longer I worked on the list, the more grateful I became and the smaller my problems seemed. As I focused on all the good things in my life, (many which I had taken for granted), it put the other problems and the have nots in their proper place. I would suggest this exercise for anyone when ever they feel like life has taken a dump on them. It is easy to get discouraged, but when we look around and see how many others are really struggling with more serious challenges, then it helps keep things in perspective.

As you know from a prior post, I have had phone problems for several months now. Both of the hand held units from our new piece of junk phone recently died. Luckily, my son produced a phone for us that I forgot he had. It is a Sports Illustrated shoe phone from the early 80's and I'm not sure where he got it, but for the time being we are answering the phone in style and I'm even grateful for that. Now I feel like Maxwell Smart when I talk on our home phone.

Remember thanksgiving isn't just for Thanksgiving Day. Life doesn't suck nearly as much when you have gratitude. Have a happy Black Friday and try to avoid being trampled if you are one of those competitive shoppers. Happy Holidays!

Long Puffy Sleeves

Years ago I heard that Billy Bob Thornton had a phobia of antique furniture. I can just imagine him walking through the woods alone at night freaking out as he is imagining a 17th century chest of drawers following him. Although I wouldn't call mine a phobia, I have to admit I am not a fan of big long puffy sleeves on shirts. When I think about puffy sleeves, several occupations come to mind. Here are the major culprits:

Pirates-Jerry Seinfeld addressed this occupation with his pirate shirt episode. I'd also like to thank the recent Somalian pirates for breaking this trend. They may be idiots, but I like to look on the bright side of their contributions. Pirates may be the most popular, but there are other places where they pop up. At least that is what I thought, but I haven't been able find any good examples or pictures online for the other categories below.

Card dealers-Some times the dealers at poker tables in casinos start to stray towards this look.

Bartenders-Maybe not the hip bartenders of today, but sometimes you'd see them in the old westerns with bands around the sleeves.
Barbershop quartets-Their traditional outfits also remind me of this.

Circus Entertainers- Guys named Mishka who throw knives. I suppose it adds to the mysterious aura of a circus performer.
Cuban Dancers- Although I couldn't find any pictures online, I can still see in my mind a happy guy dancing around shaking maracas with his big colorful poofed up sleeves.

After careful examination, it appears that it's probably just my imagination or bias. Seeing puffy sleeves is not so bad after all. Especially after coming across this picture of Larry the Cable Guy.

The 4612 Code

Some people who have typed in my blog address may have wondered what is up with the 4612. For someone trying to create a blog conducive to simple access with an easy to remember address I admit this was not the best move, but it's too late to change it now.

The other day a friend gave me grief over this and wanted to know why I'd throw in random numbers for my blog address. I was thinking of making my explanation into an exciting suspense movie starring Tom Hanks and directed by Ron Howard called the 4612 Code, but I don't think there is enough substance behind it to bring it to the big screen. Maybe a movie trailer would work better.

4612 was the magic number prescription my basketball coach promoted back when I was in High School. He said if you practiced 4 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 12 months each year you could excel at anything. When we wanted to really accomplish something we'd say you need to 4-6-12. I have since learned that 4-6-12 is a bit Gung Ho and extreme and you can even become good at something by decreasing the numbers down to 1-3-12 or even lower.

This recipe worked for basketball as a teenger, but I'm afraid I don't have that kind of time for blogging. I still have a long ways to go until the mail man brings me bags of money each day from all the money my blog generates. I don't want to disclose just how much money I've made blogging, but it rhymes with the name of a famous Roman Emperor who fiddled while Rome burnt and it starts with the last letter of the alphabet.

Blitzkriegs and Nostradamus

Sometimes words are high jacked by people and they assign a completely different meaning to them. That is the case with a few words I have adopted and given new meaning to. It is almost like an inside joke, but when I use the word "blitzkrieg" my kids shudder and when I mention Nostradamus they are elated and they begin to salivate.

As you know, Blitzkrieg means lightning war and was the name given to the Nazi's relentless pounding attacks when they'd focus all their efforts on one area. I have adopted this concept to a cleaning process which I occasionally do. When I say it's time for a blitzkrieg, my kids immediately try to escape out a window or hide since they know they will be cleaning furiously as we go from room to room for a 10 minute concentrated cleaning effort. I always say 10 minutes, but it usually ends up being much longer than that.

Nostradamus aka "Mr. Know At All" is famous for predicting all kinds of historical events. I have named a pasta casserole after him. Why? Because he is so smart, I'm sure he envisioned that we would be eating it some day. Maybe some day I will include the recipe.

I'd be interested to know if anyone else is guilty of corrupting words by assigning a different meaning to them?

Food In Bulk

I love food, but every once in a while I will see food in such large quantities that it messes with my mind. I am all for buying stuff in bulk and larger sizes since it often means you get a better deal, but sometimes if the quantity is too great, it can ruin the happy association I have with a particular food.

If someone were to give me a cold glass of milk with some cookies I would be happy, but when I am driving on the freeway and see a semi tanker truck hauling milk it loses some of the special feelings I once had for it. Seeing a 50 gallon drum of mayonnaise would make me sick. I had some delicious yogurt for lunch yesterday, but then I imagined what the facility that produced it must look like and it wasn't so great. I could envision a two ton vat of yogurt with machinery that would squirt out a predetermined amount into my individual sized serving cup as it ran along a conveyor belt at high speed.

I once briefly worked for a large food manufacturer. Upon entering the production floor you had to wear ear protection because it was so loud from all the machinery. There were gigantic containers hooked up to hydraulic equipment, fork lifts carrying tons of food (literally), conveyor belts, and an army of workers in white jumpsuits and hairnets that were managed by a few people walking around in lab coats and clipboards. It was more of an amazing industrial accomplishment than a fine culinary experience. When you think of a kitchen, the picture below is not what most people imagine, but it's very likely that the frozen dinner you threw in the oven last night was produced in a place similar to this.

I am grateful that companies can produce so much food and I understand the economics behind mass production but it just felt so impersonal. I understand that it is necessary to have cargo ships, semi trucks, and other huge containers of mass produced food, but the food just loses something when you think about it that way.

So how am I going to deal with this problem? I'm going to pretend that all the food I eat was hand made by a sweet little grandma from scratch. She pours her heart and soul into preparing small individual portions just for me. It may not be true, but it will be much more appetizing that way.

Who Are Your Heroes?

When I was a little boy my hero was Major Steve Austin, aka the 6 Million Dollar Man. He was a cool dude. What's not to like? He had super powers, cool sound effects, and even had a bionic girlfriend. It was a rude awakening when I realized the 6 Million Dollar Man was not a real person. That was a sad day, like the day in grade school when I found out there was no such thing as professional kickball and it would end after 6th grade. I have since looked for new role models.

When I saw Ben Hur as a kid I later went through a Charleton Heston phase. I wished I could be as dramatic and cool as him. It's easy to idolize fictitious role models like Steve Austin, Indiana Jones, and Michael Jordan.... I guess Jordan was technically human, but you know what I mean. I think it's great to have heroes, mentors, and role models, but it always kills me when someone I look up to screws up and ends up with a tarnished reputation or in jail. Thanks a lot OJ!

I'd like to do another one of my surveys. I'd really like to hear your comments on this topic. Let me know who you idolized when you were younger. Who has inspired you in the past or who do you still wish you could be like now? Did any of you accomplish your goal? It doesn't have to be a famous person either.

Picture of the Month Nov. 09

I'm going to start a new regular feature on Chaka's World. Once a month I'd like to simplify things and just post a picture with maybe a sentence or two. Sometimes less is more. I think it would give a little variety to my usual ramblings. Besides, many of my followers can't read and have told me they really appreciate pictures. Here is November's picture.



You've probably seen this before, but you have to love the look of pride on this kid's face for being such a good helper. I'm pretty sure it was the mom that took this picture. Most men would have gone ballistic if they came upon this scenario. This picture has also helped me keep things in perspective when my kids spill their milk at the table.

Hot or Not- I don't get it

I'm going to apologize up front. This is going to be a shallow post. I'd like to discuss celebrities who most people think are "hot", but I just don't see it. I have been thinking about this topic for a while but was finally reminded about it after reading one of Dr. Zibb's similar posts last week.

I find it interesting that women can say things like "Brad Pitt is so hot, yet if their husband were to say something along those lines about Angelina Jolie they would be labeled an unfaithful, insensitive, jerk. Women can also say "she is so beautiful" when talking about another woman, but if a guy said something about how handsome another man was it would not go over as well. There seems to be a double standard.

I also want to make a disclaimer and say I don't think of myself as Lorezo Lamas judging if someone is hot or not. I know I am never going to grace the cover of People magazine as the sexiest man alive. I hope to share my comments in a nice way as to not even offend the celebrities who made my list. (there is a good chance they may be reading since most everyone in Hollywood reads my blog)

The only reason I am even addressing this is because I always hear people going crazy over certain people. I'll admit they may be decent looking or even attractive but not coo coo for cocoa puffs good looking like many people think. I'm not saying these people are unattractive, I just feel they are overrated by the public. Here is my list. The ones I really don't get are listed last.

Scarlet Johansen

Eva Longoria

Jessica Alba
Julia Roberts

Hillary Swank

Cameron Diaz

Rachel Weisz

Kristen Dunst

Paris Hilton

Katie Holmes

Sarah Jessica Parker
Uma Thurman

I am anticipating some disagreements, but that is expected. I understand beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Luckily for most of us, there is much more to being an attractive person than looks alone.

Don't Trust Anyone

I thought I'd forgo a long post today and just give you some good advice to start your month with. If someone ever tells you not to trust anyone, then don't trust anyone! I have seen way too many movies where someone is told not to trust anyone, but somehow along their journey (usually the end of the movie) they end up trusting someone they shouldn't and it gets them in big trouble. I'm getting tired of seeing this scenario. You need to remember that you can not even trust the person who gives you this advice.

Consider this your warning. If I ever tell you not to trust anyone and you end up trusting me and I betray you, just remember that I warned you. I might even say "I told you not to trust anyone" and then belt out a sinister laugh as you are tied to railroad tracks or hanging above a shark tank. I hope it never comes to that, but who knows? Have a nice day.

Lonely Weekend Blogging

I am always amazed at how busy blogs are with new posts during the first of the week, but something sad happens each Friday around noon. The new posts pretty much come to a halt until Monday. Sometimes when I check my reader on weekends I feel like Charleton Heston in The Omega Man as he drives through abandoned city streets with noone in sight. The main difference is he drove a cool convertible and I drive a crappy laptop.

Some bloggers still post over the weekend, but most of the traffic really slows down. I actually enjoy checking blogs during the weekend even though there is less activity. I'd like to thank those who give us something to read while most everyone else has checked out for several days. It's probably a good thing that some people take the weekends off or their weekend posts might not be so coherent. In the mean time, I still think there is something sad about the lonely blogs during the weekend. No need to comment, I already know this is the lamest post I have ever done.

EZ Spelling

Years ago I bought a lawn mower and on the bag it had written, and I quote "Kwik & EZ Kleenup". I was a carefree teenager at the time but it still irritated me to see such lame spelling. It looked like Quiet Riot had done the spell check for that product. If you have ever read my posts then you know that I am the furthest thing from a strict speller. I don't jump down people's throats when they spell a word wrong and I have my fair share of spelling errors, but when words are intentionally and blatantly spelled wrong it bothers me.

Sometimes I see signs and banners like Sale-abration or Kar Kare, Kidney Kars, etc. The other day I was walking by a building and saw a small box that said EZ KLEAN rodent killer on it. Just last week I saw a store called Sav Mor (can I buy a vowel please?) Maybe the girls who wrote notes like "UR a QT Pie" in junior high have a future in marketing. I wonder when they started Krispy Kremes, if they experienced any opposition with the spelling of the name. Today there would be none. Toys R Us took it a step Further by not just using a letter instead of a word, but they also turned it around the wrong direction!

I'm sure the Internet and copyrights have only compounded the problem. I imagine many people want a name that is already taken so they just resort to messing up the spelling. I think that is one reason why many businesses spell their name wrong. They either don't want to infringe on the copyright of another business or they want to piggy back on the confusion. If I changed the name of my blog to ESPM, I could bank on all the sports enthusiasts with big fingers that would accidentally be directed my way.

I suggest you lump the practice of intentionally spelling words wrong into the category of drugs and remember to just say no. Spelling words wrong is acceptable if it's an accident, but when it's intentional it really sux.

Obama Urges Moms to Read Chaka's World

I'd like to address the many annoying online ads that I regularly see each time I check my e-mail. I feel a little hypocritical ripping on ads since I am guilty of allowing third parties to use my blog space for their advertisements, but hopefully none of the ads I will discuss have ever reared their ugly faces on my blog.

The first ads that moved around to get your attention that I remember were with little dancing silhouettes. Then they evolved into cowboy line dancers. These ads stop their teaser activity after a few seconds but you can keep it going by putting your mouse over the ad. I admit I have had the mentality of a three year old and moved the cursor over the cowboys so I could keep watching them dance but I never refinanced my home with their company as a result.

There are the "can you name this celebrities" type of quizzes. They will show some body's famous lips, eyes, tattoo, etc. and ask who they belong to. Another version asks very easy pop culture trivia questions and you click on their ad to submit your answer.

The most insulting advertisements are the skin care simulations that show before and after pictures. The before pictures look like a gorilla that has third degree burns on its face, and then after using their product a young beautiful model with a fair complexion appears. Wow! I've never seen such dramatic results. Where can I purchase this wonder balm? I'm sold. More disturbing than the fake skin comparisons are the disgusting weight loss ads that features neck and tricep fat that jiggles around.

The most recent trend I have noticed are the "I'm crazy ripped" ads for some new wonder product that scientists have just discovered that makes you "crazy ripped". Some of the models they feature make me a little uncomfortable like I'm looking at a Chippendale's calender. The other problem is that I don't want to be crazy ripped, I want to be "freaky chiseled". Maybe someone can come up with a product that can take me to that next step.

Over the last year I have noticed that Obama has been urging moms to go back to school. This ad used to have two attractive women (by computer animation standards) walking side by side. It has recently changed to show two haggled zombie women frantically running. This illogical ad was what pushed me over the edge and made me write this post. Whoever designed this ad makes the 1982 Atari graphics look amazing.

In summary, if you want to advertise on the Internet, use the most obnoxious ridiculous methods you can imagine. It may not make people buy your product, but it will probably provide them with life long memories they can share with their grand children. Maybe I can create an ad that features a drunk guy who is about to throw up with a little count down timer and if you don't click on the ad in time to stop him, then you get to see the mess. I just may have a future creating Internet ads.

The Junior Mints Incident

I like the refreshing taste of Junior Mints and I am not being paid to say that! As you may recall they are on my list of good candies. I'd like to share an experience I had several years ago involving Junior Mints.

When the final Lord of the Rings movie came out, I went to see it alone. I have a healthy self esteem so being seen alone at the movies is not a problem for me. I decided that before I went, I would stock up on some treats. I stopped by the dollar store and bought a king size box of Junior Mints, which I snuck into the theater with the same stealth that a prisoner might use to sneak a shiv into prison.

As the movie began I opened the box and began to eat them. If you have seen The Return of the King, you know it is a good movie, but there are 6 or 7 endings and it literally goes on forever. When the movie finally finished I got up and drove home. When I walked in my house, my kids started freaking out when they saw me. I had somehow managed to sit in a pile of Junior mints and after 3 + hours of melting them onto my clothes, I had the appearance of an infant who had a diaper blowout.

My youngest kids were on the verge of tears when they thought their dad had pooped his pants. I was shocked at the mess they had made and began to pick and peel them from my pants. They still didn't know what the mess was and they shrieked when I put some in my mouth. To this day I still I'm still baffled how this happened, but my guess is that they were already spilled on the seat from a prior movie goer. I'm just not that careless or wasteful with my food to spill them all over myself without noticing.

As a result of this experience, whenever I see Vigo Mortensen in a movie, I experience a minty chocolate phantom scent. For the record, they taste better fresh from the box than scraped off of your Levis.

In Defense of Scientology

Last week during a college football game I saw a commercial for Scientology. I never would have guessed that the College Football crowd were their best prospects. I would have thought the Hollywood elite would be better candidates, but what do I know? I have noticed Tom Cruise has been the butt of Scientology jokes for quite a while now. I usually end up laughing when I hear Conan or Jimmy Kimmel, or others make these jokes, but the more I think about it, I just don't feel threatened by Scientology and I think Cruise gets too much criticism.

I am not a Scientologist and I understand that many of the beliefs associated with Scientology may sound strange to an outsider. Especially after learning that the religion was only founded in 1954 by a science fiction writer. By the way, can you imagine if Gene Roddenberry or George Lucas started a religion? They would overnight outnumber Christians, Jews, and Muslims combined. I can just see all the nerds with light sabers and phasers ready to join their ranks, but I digress.

I decided to do a little research on Scientology so I went to my favorite fountain of knowledge (Wikipedia) and brushed up. I have to admit that after reading a little more, I have even more concerns now and there is a lot more weird stuff going on their besides mother ships, but I am not here to bash other's beliefs. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would consider some of my beliefs to be crazy too.

Celebrities get a lot of attention and are easy targets for criticism, but I think Tom Cruise does less damage jumping on couches and touting a drug free lifestyle than many other celebrities who lead destructive lives. I'd much rather see Tom Cruise acting goofy than see Amy Winehouse stoned out of her mind. I also don't see how his efforts are much different than Sean Penn using his career for political persuasion or Moby using his influence to promote veganism, or Bob Barker telling you to have your pets spayed or neutered.

I guess this post has been more of a defense of Tom Cruise than Scientology. I was just looking for a title that might attract attention. If we are going to make fun of Tom Cruise I think we should do it for the fact that almost all of the movies he has been in feature a scene with him sprinting. Seriously, just try to name one of his movies that doesn't show him running as fast as he can at some point during the film.

The Worst Night's Sleep Ever

I have been quite sick this past week and it reminded me of an experience I had last year. I know people don't like hearing stories about how miserable or sick someone was, BUT... Please indulge me for a moment while I tell you about an experience I had last winter. It was the worst night's sleep I've ever had and surprisingly it didn't involve a camp out.

I am usually a pretty healthy person. Over the past few years I have only missed a few days of work due to being sick. Last winter I was under a lot of stress and wasn't feeling so good, but I still went into work. By the end of the day I was dizzy with chills and my whole body hurt. I went home exhausted, took some medicine, and crawled into bed. I rocked back and forth while whimpering like a baby until the medicine finally kicked in and I fell asleep.

I woke up several hours later to the words that strike fear into my soul "Water is leaking into the basement". It was 10:00 pm and I was not in any condition to deal with that. I ran down stairs and saw that the basement window had turned into a fish tank from all of the melting snow and run off outside. We also had a drain pipe from the roof that wasn't draining properly which compounded the problem. I bailed the window out, but there was thick ice all over the back porch that was melting from the heavy rain which continued to drain into the window well.

I bailed out the window well and rang out wet cold towels in the freezing rain. To make a long story short (too late), I ended up getting up on the hour every hour from 10 pm until 7 am to repeat this process. After each ten minute clean up, I'd crawl back into bed wet and tired until the alarm went off again the next hour. It was one of those times when you can't believe what is happening and you start talking to yourself loudly like a crazy person.

That was obviously not the rest and relaxation the doctor ordered, but I eventually got over it. I still haven't fixed the broken run off pipe so if I ever tell this story again then it will be my fault and I won't expect any sympathy but rather rude comments and heckling.

The Ultimate Shaving Experience

If you are a female reader I hope you don't feel alienated by this topic, but I had a recent experience I just had to share. My shaving routine hasn't changed much over time. I usually shave my face while in the shower, except for the goatee area. I save the more sensitive facial hair for my electric razor while driving to work. I use this routine since I seldom have time to properly warm, lather, and shave my face like the guys do in the commercials. It's also because I usually buy the cheapest disposable razors available and have never entertained the thought of buying the expensive fancy ones.

Last week a friend gave me a coupon and told me about a cash rebate offer where I could get a battery powered, 5 blade, pivoting head, vibrating razor essentially for free. I went ahead and bought an $11 Gillette Power Fusion razor. Yes, just 1 head, no refills, but it didn't really cost me anything, so I gave it a shot. Holy cow! I felt like the king of the world. Such unsurpassed luxury and extravagance. It was an amazing, effortless, close shave. After that pampering experience, I feel like I should be on lifestyles of the rich and famous or at least own property in the Hamptons.

My question is, how will they top the extreme state of the art razors of today? Why stop at 5 blades? Doesn't Schick or Gillette have the vision to make a razor with 6 blades that simultaneously slide across a man's face? If they really wanted to provide the ultimate shaving experience then they should do much more. I demand laser beams as part of the perfect shave, (not to mention a razor with a sexy computerized woman's voice). I want a NASA logo on my razor and I want custom craftsmanship with some jewels embedded in the handle, not something manufactured on an assembly line by a machine for the masses. Don't they know who they are dealing with?

So my review of the razor is that it gives a great shave, but be careful, because it also does a number on your attitude and you don't want to get too big headed.

Chickens and Motor Scooters

Last year my wife started saying some strange things like "It would be cool if we had chickens". I took her in for a CAT scan and MRI but the tests came back negative. Over time I found out she was serious. One day when I came back from a scout camp out, there was a big box in the garage filled with sawdust and 6 cute little fuzzy, peeping, chicks. She had done it.

I was secretly happy when I saw this because I had previously told her that if she got chickens, I was going to get a motor scooter. (I knew a motorcycle was out of the question). The chicks quickly grew and we converted a large shed into a nice coop for them. I prefer to call it their suite since I still do not see myself as a chicken coupe guy. No offense intended to anyone who may have grown up on a farm. I'm still just trying to adjust.

Just last week they finally matured to the point where they are laying eggs. The best part of the story is that I now have a 1999 Honda Elite Scooter. That's right, I have 80 cc of raw power at my finger tips. I can accelerate from 0 to 30 m.p.h. in 16 seconds. I now know what it's like to live life on the road on the wild side. Sometimes I feel like I am riding the vehicle above, but in reality it's the one below. I feel a little cooler now that I took the tassels and ringer off of it.

I have yet to touch the chickens and my wife won't even let me give her a ride on my scooter. She must know how stupid it looks from watching me. We still love each other, but I guess she's a little bit country and I'm a little bit rock and roll.

Marathon Running

Sorry I haven't been around for a while. I've been out of town running a marathon. I just got back and have decided to share some breaking news on Chaka's World before the normal news outlets get the story. I am retiring from marathon running. I'm sure all of my running fans will be disappointed, but I need more time for my family and other pursuits. I thought it would be best to leave the sport in my prime and go out on top. Okay, I have no fans and I suck at running, but I am still calling it quits on ever running 26.2 miles again.

I am not a runner. I pretend to be one and will occasionally run a 5K for the T-shirt. Several years ago when I was having one of my mid life crises I saw a documentary on TV about marathons. I was amazed and very motivated at seeing all kinds of sizes, shapes, and ages of people triumphantly cross the finish line. I thought "If they can do that, then I certainly can". I ran my first marathon 2 years ago after training only a little over two months. As a public service, I wrote a post called How not to run a marathon in order to help people not make the same stupid mistakes I made.

When I ran my first, I was injured so badly and did so poorly that I told myself I needed to do it just one more time to prove to myself that I could do better. This year I was able to get into the St. George marathon so I told myself this wold be the time to do it. I trained for four months and was doing well until I severely sprained my ankle last month playing basketball. I couldn't run for 3 weeks so I was really stressed about how I would do with so much down time right before the race. I did much better than before, but at mile 16 I re-injured my knee and at mile 18 I hit the wall. As a result I ran the last 8 miles in pain at a slower pace. Even so, I was able to shave 30 minutes off my prior race time. That is the good news. The bad news is that my entire body is still in extreme pain and I can hardly move.

I think serious runners are crazy, but I respect what they are able to do. I honestly don't think running marathons is a healthy activity. I think training for them can be, but when you actually put your body under that much stress for that long, injuries are bound to occur. I have heard of studies that indicate that many marathoners get sick shortly after a marathon due to the stress they have put on their immune system for so long during the training process. I am going to be sticking with 5Ks for now instead of trying to be a marathon poser.

Happy 2 Year Anniversary

It has been two years since I started Chaka's World. I don't want to brag, but I am pleased and honored to announce that my blog just received the award for the best blog for the second straight year. I know there are many other great blogs out there, but I just didn't have enough time to check them all out so I ended up awarding it to myself again.

This blog has been therapeutic for me and has served as a outlet for my random thoughts and feelings. That reminds me of a child hood memory. When I was in grade school, a classmate hurt his knee and had surgery. For a few days after his surgery, he would actually squeeze the pus out of his knee after recess. As I write these words I am starting to doubt myself and wonder if this is a true memory, but I can still see him milking the yellow liquid out from his swollen knee. Anyway that is kind of like me and this blog. Some days I have something entertaining to offer but other days I'm afraid you show up and only get a bowl of warm pus. I hope to improve in the future.

As part of my two year anniversary, I am offering free unlimited access to my blogs archives. You can check out any of my prior posts 24 hours a day. It's the least I could do for such awesome followers.

Computer Virus Makers

The computers at our home have been under siege recently by a variety of viruses. Despite having a host of anti-virus and spy ware programs, we keep on getting them. The most recent one was the addition of "Windows Anti Virus Pro" which is actually a virus that takes on the appearance of a virus scan program. It holds your computer hostage until you pay for a subscription. It's kind of like paying protection money to the mafia. I have not been able to get my PC past the start up screen for a week so I can't get online to fix it. My laptop also takes 15 minutes before you can get online. This has prompted me to vent my frustration in a letter to the creators of computer viruses.

Dear computer virus creators, I am nice guy, but I would love find you for creating Windows Antivirus Pro and torture you for several days ala Jack Bauer. I would prefer to torture you in front of your parents at your family reunion. When they realized what you have up to I'm sure they would want to join in and help me. You have disrupted my life in a big way. I would love to convert all the frustration you have caused me and return it to you in the form of physical aggression. I may be using my remaining vacation time to track you down and find you. Unlike Liam Neeson, I have no particular set of skills, but I would employ my limited resources and primitive abilities until I bring you to justice. I am not alone there are thousands of people like me who would love to get their hands on the computer virus makers of the world who need to get a life. You had better watch your back. Love, Chaka

I know violent threats are out of character for me. I try to keep this blog a happy place. I'm sorry, but I had to vent and express how I feel about computer nerds who use their powers for the dark side of the force.

Eye Floaters

If you are not familiar with the phrase eye floaters then you are not alone. Have you ever looked up into the sky and not only seen clouds, but also little microscopic worm or amoeba-like substances floating in your eyes? If you flex your eyes and look hard to the left or to the right you can get them all to shift over but as soon as you relax they will usually float back.

When I first noticed this I was younger and was pretty excited because I thought I had discovered a super power kind of like Heroes or X-Men. I know the ability to fly or have super strength are cool, but nothing can touch the super power of being able to see microscopic amoebas projected onto the sky with the naked eye. I'm wasn't sure how I would use these powers to defeat the forces of evil, but I was sure that some day the situation would present itself.

I thought I once remembered hearing that eye floaters were caused by good bacteria that lives in your eye and is nothing to be concerned about. If this is normal, then how come nobody talks about it and it is so hard information on the subject? Why are there no movies or TV shows about it? This topic is an untapped goldmine just waiting for someone to come along and profit from it. I can already envision eye floaters cereal, video games, and clothing lines.

I have been frustrated for the past several weeks since I could not find anything about this topic when I googled eye bugs, eye worms, etc. I was starting to doubt myself like Julianne Moore in The Forgotten, but then I finally got lucky. Thank you Wikipedia! Not only did they address the issue and offer an explanation for eye floaters, but they also had an artist's depiction of this phenomena which I have included at the top of the page.

As I'm typing these words right now I can see some eye floaters on the computer screen. I'd be interested to know who else sees these little guys when they look up into the sky.

What's Your Signature Move?

Being a celebrity can have its disadvantages, like being followed by the paparazzi, or having a screwed up life, but there are also some nice perks. One of these would be be having your own signature move or trademark that you are known for. I was going to create a test where you could match the celebrity to their famous move, but I couldn't get Blogger to format how I wanted it to so I will just list some celebrity signature moves that come to mind.

Johny Carson- The golf swing after each monologue
Kareem Abdul Jabaar - The Sky Hook
Richard Nixon -The Peace Sign
The Rock -The People's Elbow
Carol Burnett - The Ear Tug
Michael Jackson - The White Glove
Michael Jordan - The tongue hanging out
Matthew Mcconaughey -Taking off his shirt withinin the first 10 minutes of every movie he has ever been in.
Isaac from the Love Boat - The Point/Wink

If I were a celebrity I think I would be known for pretending to be a robot. Unless I was filming a scene or on a movie set, I would always talk in a monotone voice and move like a robot. I'm sure people would eat it up and if I was good enough, some loyal fans might even believe I was not human. If you were a celebrity what would your trademark or signature move be?

Popsicles

September is my favorite month for several reasons, one of which is the perfect weather. As the remaining days of warm weather are beginning to slip away, I'd like to pay tribute to a refreshing summer treat. I like popsicles, but for a while I refused to buy them because of the inevitable tantrums and trauma they caused in my family. All one had to do was say the word "popsicle" and my two youngest kids would drop to the ground writhing in agony until they got one. I think that kind of behavior is childish and pathetic and that is why I refrain from doing it when we have guests over at our house.

I'm guessing there is some kind of addictive substance in a popsicle that makes you crave another one as soon as you finish eating the first. It's not so much that I mind my kids eating frozen junk food that is high in sugar. I hate finding wrappers and sticks around the house and yard, but it's the stickiness that I really I can't stand. It drives me crazy watching little kids eat ice cream cones or popsicles and not be able to stay ahead of the melting. I think it should be a right of passage for a kid once they are able to eat their first popsicle without letting any drip on them and get sticky.

This has been a common sight at my home for years. Most little children don't even realize when they are sticky. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I have used my straight arm technique to protect myself from sticky kids who are trying to give me a hug when I come home from work. I will clean them up and hug them after, but if I don't protect myself, the dry cleaning bills are just too high.

Even though I am meticulous and neat when I eat sticky food, I am still a pig when it comes to quantity. I eat popsicles like Kobayashi and Joey Chesnut eats hot dogs. I basically de-bone them (pull the stick out and swallow them). My favorite flavors are root beer, lime, and grape. I hope you enjoy this great time of year before the depressing winter months descend upon us.

This post was approved by the National Popsicle Foundation

I Have A Favor To Ask...

I have a favor to ask. Last month I finished my degree in exercise science and I'm going to start training clients again. I am doing some market research on the topic of personal trainers. I have a brief survey over at Healthy Chaka and am looking for feedback from women between the ages of 30-50. If you are slightly over or under those ages and are interested, you can also take the survey. It's just 10 easy questions but it would help me a ton.

I have been wondering how to administer a survey and how to approach women about their health and their perceptions, when I realized that I interact daily with many smart bloggers who I respect and I would be foolish if I didn't ask their opinions. Don't worry, it's not a bogus survey where I come back later to try sell you something. I would never do that. I've got a reputation to uphold and a secret identity to maintain. Thanks.

Wishful Thinking

As a little kid I remember being taught in an indirect way that if I didn't eat my vegetables, then some poor kid in Africa was going to starve. Did that mean when I pulled a carrot out of American soil, that it sucked one out from China? I later learned that if I made too much money then someone in a third world country would suffer. Luckily I haven't made anyone suffer so far. In that same spirit of logic I wish I had more money but I wouldn't want to take it from others.

I'm not dishonest, just lazy. Over the years I have seen money wasted in many different ways and have wished I had a way to capture some of it. I'd be happy if I could get just a small percentage of some of the money that has been wasted in the following ways:

I wish I could have some of the money from food that has spoiled in refrigerators and gets thrown out. I'm guessing since refrigeration has been used there have been billions of dollars of rotting food in the back of fridges.

I wish I could have some of the coins that have been lost down sewer drains or in couch cushions and are now long forgotten.

I wish I could trade in the remainder of the materials from old shoes and clothes and have them make my newer clothes last longer.

I wish I could use some of the wasted hot air that groceries stores blow out the entrances in the winter or the cold air that they waste in the summer.

I wish I could have some of the money from movie or play tickets that were purchased in advance, but the viewers never ended up going because an emergency came up.

I wish I could use some of the wasted water from running toilets and drippy faucets around the world to reduce my water bill and to water the yellow spots on my lawn.

I wish I could have the reps of the new people in the gym that only come out for two or three days and then quit working out since it didn't really benefit them anyway. The gym can keep their money on this one, I'll just take the wasted exercise efforts.

I wish I could rotate the clean, fresh looking carpet underneath heavy furniture that nobody can see into the busy traffic areas that are worn out.

I wish I could write about ridiculous topics and find a way to actually make a living at it. Now that's wishful thinking. Not only was I taught to eat my vegetables, but I was also told there is no such thing as a free lunch. That won't keep me from wishing. Happy Labor Day.

Movie Pet Peeves Part 2

I originally did a post about movie pet peeves long before I started The Movie Guy blog. I listed some of the things that drive me crazy that I frequently see while watching movies. I'm not advocating that all movies be documentaries and be 100 % accurate in every way, I'm just trying to weed out some of the repeat offenders. Since identifying the most common ones in my Movie Pet Peeves Part 1, I have picked up on several additional items to add to the list.

Fake Torches-I can't stand it when someone in a movie finds a stick near a cave entrance and then they rip some cloth and wrap it around it to create a perfectly glowing inextinguishable torch yet it doesn't produce smoke or burn down the entire time they are using it. A cousin of this one is when there are scenes with fire, yet there is no smoke, just clean Hollywood flames.

The Little Kid Get Away- I have seen little kids run away from big bad guys by running under their legs to get away. I don't care how dumb and big the villain may be, he should still be able to catch a kid. Not being able to catch Jackie Chan is one thing, but if you can't catch a little kid because he ran under a table or your legs, then you are pathetic!

Fake Computer Performance.-I'm sure you have seen the fake scenes where a computer and a programmer talk back and forth in everyday English like instant messenger. I love 24 but I can't stand it when Chloe sends requested building schematics to Jack's PDA before he even finishes the sentence. I'm not asking to see an hourglass or watch people's computers stall or crash, but it would be nice if it happened to someone besides myself.

The Multiple Angle Slow Motion Stunt Montage- If a stunt is really that cool then we can always rewind it when we rent it on DVD. Occasionally a movie will show the same stunt several times from different angles as if they didn't film it properly or they want to get their money's worth for how much they spent on it. Maybe the stunt man's mom is also the movie editor.

Totally Fake Amounts of Police or Swat Team- I can understand if there is a bank robbery or some kind of standoff with the police then there would be a large number of law enforcement officials present, but when a car chase starts and immediately there are 15 cop cars following or if an alarm in a building goes off and and multiple swat teams descend on a location and repel in out of nowhere it drives me nuts!

Get with it Hollywood. Some of these fake details are detracting from some potentially good movies. I can't be the only one who notices these things.

The Eyebrow Hall of Fame

I have finally arrived at the age of maturity when one's eyebrows begin to grow with a vengeance. I know this is a coveted season in life when your body decides to produce excess and more coarse hair. I don't want to sound ungrateful. Eyebrows give our lives variety, and I think they are great. I appreciate them in their many forms. They range from the unkept grumpy furrowed brow to a model's finely sculpted eyebrows. As a tribute to them, I have decided to publish Chaka's Eyebrow Hall of Fame. At least this way I might not feel quite so bad about my dilemma.

I'd like to start off with Leonid Brezhnev. He was the leader of Russia when I was growing up, and whenever I hear the word eyebrow, images of him still come to mind. His name translated from Russian means "giant caterpillars on the forehead".

Frida is another unibrow standout. She gives Bert from Sesame Street a run for his money. I hadn't heard much about her until Salma Hayek made a movie about her several years ago. Just for the record, I think Selma looks better with two eyebrows than one.

Susan Boyle recently reminded me of how big a difference eyebrows can make. I think that was the biggest improvement from her recent makeover.

Speaking of women and eyebrows, I see that some people basically draw their eyebrows on. Is this the result of over-zealous plucking? I understand that some people have less to work with, but if you draw them on, at least keep them where they belong, somewhere near the eyes.

No eyebrow tribute would be complete without giving credit to Eugene Levy. Not only is he a funny guy, but he has unprecedented eyebrow control. Some men like the Rock and Lee Majors also have exhibited good eyebrow control, but Levy is the king of making each one act independently of the other.

An honorable mention goes to Groucho Marx, who had such memorable eyebrows that they have been immortalized with novelty glasses. I guess my excessive eyebrow growth does have some advantages. I may be able to replace Andy Rooney some day, or at least I can make some extra money by selling mine as guitar strings.